Feb21

Renewing my faith in running…and maybe even racing.

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Renewing my faith in running…and maybe even racing.

This weekend, I watched one of my fabulous bloggy friends Samantha  run a half marathon (Hampton Half Marathon) and despite freezing my bum off, I walked away from the day with a few a-ha moments tucked into the back of my brain.

I fully expected the familiar ‘anxiety’ feelings to arise as I saw runners whizz past me, emulating the feelings that I usually get when it’s me in that flurry of runners. But instead?  I started to feel a bit of renewed sense of faith in running (as evidenced also by my guest post on running for me) and even, just maybe, the racing aspect that I tend to hate dislike so much. Because what I saw was the camaraderie of those cheering their family and friends on, and the glimmers of happiness in the eyes of those runners as they saw their family and friends rooting them on. I was glad to give Samantha a little moral boost, when I finally saw her, and know from personal experience that it really does help to see friendly faces in the crowd.

But beyond that, it was some words of advice I got on Sunday that really resonated with me. I met up with Meaghan - finally – who I’m pretty convinced will become a fast friend (she’s awesome!) – and talking to her about my past struggles with racing (read her recent post here too, that partially recaps the day). On how I pretty much choke on race day (anxiety, breathing trouble, the whole 9 yards), and I asked her how she’s been able to put that pressure out of her mind (given her 10 marathons(!) she’s run!), and she simply said, ” ‘you just do.’ It’s you and 5,000 other runners out there, you can’t let that affect you.”

Simply stated, but so very true.

The only pressure is the pressure I put on myself and 99% of that pressure is completely unnecessary! I know I am not the fastest runner out there, and I am not running to win, I am running to accomplish my personal goal, no matter what time I cross that finish line. This is something that was so hard for me to see when I ran those two half marathons in years past, and I just feel as though I’m gaining so much clarity in what is compelling me to run and bringing me back to the question of…what is my plan? Do I want to attempt another half? Does it even matter? Do I care? And the answer…I think…is yes, I do. Because I clearly keep going back to that question for a reason.

So when Meaghan asked me what my plan was, coincidentally, when it comes to any planned races, I actually had an answer (sort of). While I’m still working out the specifics in my head, and what I want, or don’t want to do, I do know this: I am determined to do a half marathon to see how I actually finish, since the last two that I’ve run, I let the race get to me, and I choked. I finished, but I choked. I have never ran a half marathon (or any race whatsoever, whether that be a 5K, or a 5 miler or whatever) and run it with success. Yet, I have run many a run with success. And I know I can translate that into an actual race day performance. I just need to separate in my head that it’s a race and that it’s a performance. Because for me, it’s neither of those things. For me, it’s just another run (with oh, anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand other runners…). Right?

So my faith in running is certainly back….and maybe, just maybe, so is my faith in conquering a race, and more importantly, conquering my fear of what that means. It’s only a race against myself and nobody else.

runspirations...

Feb20

On teaching myself to run…for me.

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On teaching myself to run…for me.

I wrote up a post for my sister’s blog today, on teaching myself to run…for me. Hop over and give it a read, will ya? ;-)

Because I never thought I was a runner. I am a runner because I run. And I <3 it.

Now, off to continue enjoying this lovely little long weekend up in here! Back atcha tomorrow, enjoy the day my friends!

Feb17

Things I’m loving…Friday edition

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Things I’m loving…Friday edition

Sometimes I go on a kick where I have a bunch of stuff I’m totally loving…and lately, these are the things that have been kicking around in my brain (and my stomach, mostly, as you will see!). It’s Friday…what are you loving?! (besides a long weekend coming up that I didn’t even realize until two days ago that I had….woohoo!)

Things that I’m loving right now…

Enough said. <3 oatmeal with PB and banana, love, love, love

I have no idea how I'm just figuring these out - add them to yogurt, cottage cheese, oatmeal etc, and you'll feel fuller longer. Totally works.

Big-ass salads of the spinach variety (this was with leftover filet from date night with M...sooo effin good).

Thought it wouldn't be strong enough for my tastebuds, but I actually LOVE the new Starbucks blonde roast! I also love a little bit of cinnamon to my coffee lately, so tasty!

Mild Weather! Check out that forecast. It's February in New England, people, it should be in the 20s, at best. I ran in 44 degree weather this morning at 7 am!

“]

New 6 am barre n9ne classes!! I thought it would be hard to get up early on Fridays for the new 6 am class, but two weeks in a row, I LOVE it, especially followed by a rundate! (this pic was from this summer, tan! [Jess, Tanya, me

BOOKED! Mexico at the Playacar Palace in October for Shannon's wedding...cannot.wait.

And finally…I am loving my one-a-day- cat ‘saying’ calendar. today’s quote? “You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense.” <–um, so true. See?

Not.Tense.

Happy weekend friends! I’ll be sorely missing out on this weekend, but will enjoy it virtually, hopefully with a fun little skype ‘clink’ this weekend. Cheers friends, enjoy it!

Feb16

Stories that Define Me: why the connection matters.

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Stories that Define Me: why the connection matters.

*This is the fourth in my mini-series on stories of my past that define me. I’ll write these periodically, as the ideas flow. Enjoy.*

I’ve been emailing and chatting with a few friends that are going through the dating rollercoaster and all that goes along with it (the second guessing, overthinking, false starts, anxieties and oh yeah, the good stuff too…warm fuzzies, dating isn’t *that* bad…at least, not all of the time. It’s a means to an end!) and this topic sprang to mind as I continue my ‘stories that define me’ series.

And as I read some of my old dating posts from my old blog (and wow, were there many, and some hysterically funny ones too. Perhaps I was a wittier writer with such readily available fodder, huh?! If anyone wants to read them, email me and I’ll send you some links!), some of those memories came flooding back. Some of them were good…the rare good eggs in the bunch that I dated before meeting M, and some notsogood, the many, MANY false starts, one date wonders and the like, but what I remember striking me most, was the connection, and why it matters so much.

And when I say connection, I mean, the emotional connection that makes the physical mean something. Beyond the instant gratification and the exploration of someone new, the connection to that person is truly what makes or breaks it. For me, anyway. It was something I never truly realized until I had my first ‘experience’ after my divorce (how would I ever have even noticed that, being with someone for a decade and prior to that, the only time I was intimate with a man, it was within the confines of a relationship, nothing casual). Sure, it was exciting and in a way, made me feel alive again, but on the other hand, it just felt so…empty.

(as I write this, I hope I don’t come across as having many physical encounters with the men I dated before M. I can count them on less than a hand, let’s say that)

And only once I met M did I realize how much the connection  matters, and how much more emotional and gratifying an experience the physical connection becomes.

So why am I writing this? Because I think one of the things that really cemented it for me, when I knew M was ‘it’ for me, was that physical-to-emotional connection that we had. From the get-go. From the slight touch to the back (which I still absolutely love) walking out of a restaurant, to a hug, to a glance, to a smile. It all ties together. It was there. We shared it, believed it, and cultivated it. From day one.

Unlike anything else I’d experienced, there was no force-fit. There was no compromising on what I envisioned him to be and what he was. There was no settling on any of my dealbreakers and dealmakers. (and my list was truly feasible, not far-fetched!) So no matter how long you’re single, if you’re ‘single long enough’ after your divorce or breakup (whatever the heck that means…it’s truly different for each and every one of us! There’s no rulebook or guideline), when you know…you just do. 

It’s why the connection matters.

 

Feb15

My 6-month run challenge: week 11 and 12 (I call mercy on the treadmill)

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My 6-month run challenge: week 11 and 12 (I call mercy on the treadmill)

I call mercy on the treadmill.

The last two weeks’ of this run challenge have included mostly treadmill action (but with one outdoor run last week and two planned for the rest of this week, at least!) and for the love of God, I am so sick of the treadmill.

I know what (some) of you might say. “So, run outside.” I know, I know, I conquered the fear of the cold weather running, but lately, the only time that has been realistic for running has been early morning where there is still not enough daylight for me to feel safe running outside.

Thus, treadmill.

But, let me tell you, those treadmill runs have just felt brutal the last two weeks. Every mile has been a mental push. Every game I try and play to keep my mind off the fact that I am running on the treadmill doesn’t work. See, my games go like this (unsuccessfully, mind you):

“Okay, visualize that route outside that you like to run and just imagine you are outside, smelling fresh air.”

It works for .2 seconds and then my mind goes to “OMG, the treadmill suuuucks, when is it going to be over. This is so boring, I feel like a hamster on a wheel.” 

Or, I try this:

“Okay, it’s probably 3 songs per mile, just listen to some good tunage and think about what each song conjures up for fun!” (usually that means barre n9ne, because half of the songs I listen to are from class!)

And that works for maybe a song. And then I start thinking of the hamster again. 

And finally, I try half music, half  TV, thinking it’ll break up the monotony a bit. But, nope, I just see the little clock on the damn TV and can’t believe it’s only been a minute since my eyes ventured down to take a peek.

Okay, enough bitching about the treadmill. My point is this: while I do call mercy on the treadmill and am going to try my best to get at least 2 of my 4 runs outside in coming weeks (daylight savings is coming up, right?!), I do know for a fact that it is helping my pace. I now run on the treadmill almost exactly M’s normal pace, a pace I couldn’t fathom 12 weeks ago! (6.4-6.5ish once I get nice and warmed up. vs. 5.5 from last winter!) That, to me, is huge. That, coupled with the fact that when I do get to run outside, it somehow feels easier. Not easy as in ‘oh, this is a breeze, easy” but easier as in my legs just move more fluidly. And I enjoy the run so much more than I ever did. (of course, a smidge of that could be just sheer joy at not being on the treadmill, hehe).

And, last but most importantly, I am able to run. I am strong. I am capable. That is so much more than many can say…and for that, I am truly grateful (and that little knee twinge I felt on the treadmill yesterday? I am chalking it up to the treadmill itself…stay tuned, hopefully it’s gone!).

So I am three months into my six-month run challenge and right now? I call success. I am running faster (check). I am running consistently (check). I am running longer (check! 7 mile long runs completed the last two weeks and almost every week of this challenge). And I am keeping up with the intervals (check).

So, yeah, I call mercy on the treadmill, and hope to only use it for two of my four runs a week, but otherwise, I’m feeling pretty damn good about this little challenge I concocted for myself!

And what about you? Report back! Did you conquer something you’re proud of this week? Lemme hear it :-)

**asslap to everyone adding some sweat to their lives, no matter what form it comes in…yoga, running, walking, swimming, kickboxing, barre, you name it, it counts ;-) **