It never ceases to amaze me at the variety, abundance and clarity your comments all have, so often. For that, thank you.
Last night’s post on feeling guilty for being in a happy, healthy relationship was tough for me to articulate because part of me didn’t want to write it for fear of my friends actually thinking I am writing about them specifically, when this is really such a feeling I’ve put upon myself, and also because I wasn’t sure how to place my feelings and define them.
But after writing it out and your comments, I realize that part of my feelings is just wanting this for them, too. And being able to share in it.
~~
When I talked to my sister Jess about my idea for the blog post, we got to talking more about it and she said something really eye-opening:
“Don’t ever apologize for investing in your relationship.”
Wow. That is so true. And that is a huge reason why I look at her marriage to my brother in law as one I look at as my model of success. Longevity. Freshness. Love. Friendship. Happiness. Communication. Investment.
And as M and I continue to explore whereever our relationship is leading, we do need to invest in it too. I concentrate so much on trying to keep a solid balance of me, friends, family, and him that I almost put that balance ahead of any of those areas singularly. It’s not so much about forcing the balance between these things, it’s allowing it to naturally happen. And make sure that it doesn’t meander into one area overly much, but allowing it to happen sometimes where there is a reason to.
Like investing in your relationship.
Just as you should invest in yourself and your friends, you should invest in your relationship. There is a critical time for investing in each area of life and when you look at it that way, it all becomes so much clearer.
Hearing that statement and letting it sink in has given me some clarity I really needed. I just need to trust myself more that I am keeping balance as it makes sense, and because I want to, not because I have to, and at the same time, allowing myself to invest in my relationship with M, because he is so special in my life and every day I wake up thankful that we are where we are, with each other. It’s truly an amazing feeling.
February 8, 2011 at 7:40 pm
There is a natural ebb and flow in life, and when we’re on a quest for “balance” I think it’s easy to forget that sometimes. It’s perfectly normal to invest a little more heavily in your relationship in the first little while; it’s just what we do. The problem comes in when people don’t allow the pendulum to swing back to the other areas of life when they start needing more time and attention.
You’ll get this figured out.
February 8, 2011 at 7:55 pm
Right. There is obviously a need for that pendulum to swing back and forth. My thing is, I shouldn’t be neglectful of one area (namely, my relationship) solely on the basis of keeping balance per se. Just as I wouldn’t be neglectful of myself or my friends, I shouldn’t do the same with my relationship. There will be an ebb and flow to it, to this and everything in my life, it’s just a matter of allowing it, not forcing it. If that even makes sense.
February 8, 2011 at 8:19 pm
Still very happy for you
Also really glad I found your blog, your sentiments are refreshing and lovely.
February 8, 2011 at 8:33 pm
Aw, thank you so much! I am glad I found yours too, but must dig into it more!
February 8, 2011 at 8:52 pm
I agree with Sunshine. I also believe that we naturally give attention where it is needed. When we begin to feel a loss of that sense of peace, we instinctively fill in where it’s needed. We naturally do what’s needed to feel balance.
I like what your sister had to say. That’s a beautiful sentiment that will stick with me for a while. Right now, you are building a solid foundation with M. It requires some attention and some allowing as well. It sounds like you both have good enough heads on your shoulders to figure it out.
Be happy, my friend.
February 8, 2011 at 9:08 pm
You are right – we do naturally give attention where it’s needed. It’s instinctive. And I too love my sister’s thoughts on it, it really was what I needed to hear. But bottom line, life is good, as balanced as it can be, and that’s all we can hope for sometimes, right?
February 8, 2011 at 9:03 pm
Aw, sis! Reading your post, and re-reading part of our convo in writing, totally smacked me in the face. I don’t know why but it made me very emotional…in a good way, but emotional nonetheless. I am glad I could help you find some clarity…I don’t claim to be the relationship expert, so it means the world to me that you take what I have to say to heart, not just cuz you’re my sister but because you look at me as a source of inspiration, which I find surprising, since you’re constantly inspiring the crap outta me. Long way of saying, loved this post. Love that you’re finding your way with M, love it all. xo
February 8, 2011 at 9:09 pm
Aw! So glad. But not to make you cry or anything
You DO have good advice and sometimes I just need to listen to it more, because you are wicked smaht. Sometimes I think YOU should be writing my blogs. Just sayin 
XO sis.
February 8, 2011 at 10:52 pm
Sister Jess is smart! I love those moments where something simple just kind of smacks you in the face. And I definitely agree with needing to invest in relationships in order for them to be amazing.
February 9, 2011 at 7:05 am
Isn’t she? Guess I SHOULD take her advice given she’s been married to my fabulous brother in law for almost 7 years, right?
February 9, 2011 at 1:16 am
good grief that quote hit home. seriously – tears in my eyes…
February 9, 2011 at 7:06 am
aww! really? Jess told me the same thing…she has some good words, that sister of mine
February 9, 2011 at 2:07 am
Such a beautiful quote and so true. I think it’s so important to invest in a relationship and give it the time and devotion. I’m fast forwarding here but I was talking to my sister yesterday evening on the phone and we were talking about relationships etc. Anyway she said that’s it’s even more important to invest the time in your primary relationship with your partner when you have kids. Too often, the partner can get neglected when kids arrive and date nights and time for each other go out the window. Anyway was just thinking about that today.
February 9, 2011 at 7:07 am
YES! I absolutely believe that too, when married with kids, especially. And generally, it’s just really important to invest in all of your relationships. Friends, family, partner.
February 9, 2011 at 2:50 am
well, i missed the boat on the last post, but if i were commenting there, i would tell you:
it was hard, a little, to read you when you met M. but more than the sting was hope. that if it happened for you, maybe it still happens. maybe it could happen to me.
i think that we run the risk of over-correcting for past mistakes, naturally. but a happy healthy relationship lends itself to maintaining balance.
i’vve met someone who is not only wonderful, but appears willing and capable of actually doing the work required to have a good relationship. it sometimes commands more of my time than allows for balance, but yes, it’s an investment.
always remember: you are entitled to your happiness. we all must find it for ourselves. don’t ever be ashamed of your joy. those who are healthy will process it as inspiration and those that cannot be happy for you have bigger problems anyway.
xoxo
February 9, 2011 at 7:09 am
Your comment really touched me…thank you so much for your honesty. I will say that when I’ve read of other bloggy friends love lives or meeting someone special before I met M, it stung a little too, I felt envious, but like you said, I also felt hope. So at the end of the day, if it gives hope more than a sting, then that’s a step in the right direction. I am SO glad you have met someone that has the potential that you are looking for. It does take an investment. Absolutely. XO!
February 9, 2011 at 7:51 am
*smile*
You’re doing great. Love watching you grow. So beautiful.
Big hugs.
February 9, 2011 at 11:03 am
Thank you friend!
February 9, 2011 at 10:58 am
That sister of yours sounds awful smart:) That may have been something I really needed to hear also. Thanks Jess!
February 9, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Yes, she is wicked smaht, isn’t she? Glad you liked it too!
February 9, 2011 at 11:37 am
Especially in the early stages of relationships, we have to devote more time and effort to them than other areas. The thing I try to remember about balance is it doesn’t mean that everything will get an equal amount of time and attention, but that everything will get some time and attention. Some relationships require more investment than others. I’m not learning my best friend from third grade as much as my boyfriend of a few years. Yes, there’s still growth and discovery with my friend, but we can spend ten minutes on the phone and in that time learn and grow in ways it would take much longer with other people. Balance for me is proportion (to the need) and not contortion (or stretching myself too thin to have quality interactions with any area of my life). Rock what works for you. Good post!
February 9, 2011 at 12:02 pm
That is SO true. Balance doesn’t always mean equality, just the right amount of time dedicated to each thing, as required or needed. Great perspective!
February 9, 2011 at 2:19 pm
I would love to have a relationship with my sportsman that was full of, “Longevity. Freshness. Love. Friendship. Happiness. Communication. Investment”. honestly i feel those are very rare.
February 9, 2011 at 2:47 pm
they are rare, but I think those ARE the most successful qualities to have in a relationship, ya know?
February 9, 2011 at 3:43 pm
You’re all happy and stuff! HOW RUDE!
No no, lady, I think I’m just as happy for you as you are for you! Which is how it SHOULD be!!
February 9, 2011 at 3:59 pm
You’re so cute. Love that. And I am just as happy for YOU in the happiness department
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March 4, 2011 at 10:08 pm
That’s a great line! Tell you sis that I’ll be using that one
. I agree with Sunshine, too. I also feel as though you want what your friends want for themselves. For some, that will mean a serious relationship. For others, that won’t involve a relationship. You’re supportive and loyal to those you care about, but you also seem to realize that not everyone has the same goals that you do. xoxo
March 5, 2011 at 4:11 pm
I will tell her
It is a great line, isn’t it? And it is a good point about my goals not being everyone’s. Sometimes I assume everyone wants the same thing, but that’s far from true.
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