Hello, panic attack.

Yesterday afternoon my boss was induced.

Gulp.

10 days earlier than anticipated.

Which means no last-minute transition of open items.

Which means my impending vacation comes at the exact worst time ever. A lot of loose ends. A lot to tie up by Friday. A lot to transition to our agency to help cover off on while I’m out (because besides my boss and me, we are the only two that handle comms in the entire company. We always try to avoid that happening).

When I hung up with her, I started to cry. I started to panic. Big time. I started to freak out. My mind blanked. I started IMing my sister freaking out, saying “I can’t do this. I’m not ready. I’m not ready. I can’t. I can’t. What am I going to do.” Near hysterics.

This is exactly how I felt!

M called me and tried to comfort me, he tried to reinforce that I got this, that they wouldn’t have hired me if they didn’t trust me and have confidence that I could handle this step-up role while she’s out. I tried to listen and believe it. He texted me and said: “remember, it’s okay to lose to your opponent, but you shouldn’t lose to fear.”

Stopped dead in my tracks. He’s so right. Fear cannot paralyze me. It absolutely must not control me and break me down. It’s game time and I must act. I must trust my instincts. I must not fear failure. This is my time to prove myself. I need to believe that at the end of this 8-ish weeks, that I will have grown into my ‘big girl wheels’ and ditch those training wheels I am clinging to.

It seems unfathomable to me that I will be where I need to be at the end of this test. I’m truly scared. I’m trying to shed the fear and turn it into motivation. I’m trying not to internalize it, especially on my vacation. I just need to trust myself and know I can do it.

As T said to me on Twitter tonight (thank you for being my little guardian angel right now…so needed and appreciated): “breathe and relax in the discomfort.”

*serenity now*


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33 thoughts on “Hello, panic attack.

  1. I’m not even remotely worried. I am that confident of your abilities. Don’t sell yourself short. You have how many years of experience?! You’ve got this. You wouldn’t be in this position if others didn’t think you could handle it… And if you didn’t suspect you could. You’re scared and that’s ok, but M is right. Don’t let that fear paralyze you. You’re Business Barbie after all! ;)

    1. Business Barbie! I love that…how I love thee Barbie ;-) You are so good with your pep talks lately, and I know, I need to use the fear to empower me, not paralyze me.

  2. Yes! Make it a positive! There is nothing like difficulty to force us to grow!

    In addition – we should all do well to remember the REALLY important things in life… and that, no matter what happens, you will survive it! :D

    1. You’re right – the important things in life aren’t always work…it’s surviving and thriving and living, right? Difficult things like this force us to grow. I just gotta accept the discomfort.

    1. So realistic. Yes, you are right. I might do it differently than my boss, in a different order, or maybe even in some cases, not at all, but I’ll do my best.

  3. You SO GOT THIS SIS!!! Trust in YOU. We all do, so why are you doubting yourself? You are SO SMART. SO talented. SO driven. This is just another freakin’ awesome challenge you’ll kill, just as you always do. Trust you.

  4. being a bostonian, i’m not sure how you feel about rex ryan, but with no exaggeration, this is my go-to psych-up video. in the hope that it helps, here ya go.

    go get it. you’ve so, so got this. :)

  5. Hell yeah, you got this! Sometimes you don’t know what you’re made of until you’re in the middle of things. Trust yourself. Give gratitude for your skills and your gumption.

    And BREATHE!

    Love ya!
    ;)

  6. “Yes you can”. You can do it, I have every faith in you that you’ll pull it off and do an amazing job at organising everything.

  7. I was just in the same spot a few weeks ago. Hang in there. I just had to jump. I’ve made some mistakes and I’ve asked a lot of questions but I’m doing it. You can to. SOmetimes we do better without the training wheels holding us back.

    1. You’re right, the training wheels off may actually help. I am glad we can go through this together basically ;-) I think one of my challenges is just the remoteness of my job when I am not in Cali. It just makes it harder to chase people down. I’ll get good at stalking ;)

  8. You can do this. You ARE ready. Once in place, you’ll just jump in all autopilot-like. You know what to do. She wouldn’t have entrusted you to this position if she wasn’t confident in your ability. So take a deep breath. Relax.

    It’s just like going on a new roller coaster or something. My younger son, D, was so afraid of the Ghost Rider at Knott’s Berry Farm. I told him it would be okay. After the ride was over, the first thing out of his mouth was, “I wanna do that again.”

    And you’ll probably say the same thing.

    {{hugs}}

    1. Aww! Thank you – what a great story to share as a comparison. You’re right, once I’m in the midst of it, it won’t feel as scary, it’ll feel normal. I am feeling a little better, but I know the next 8 weeks will just be a blur and I have to accept that! XO.

  9. Okay, I’ll admit that just reading this post made me a little stressed out. It’s crazy that you are going on vacation just when all of this is going down. Today and tomorrow are going to be tough. But you have a big reward at the end. And promise me you will let go of work and not think of it at all while you are in Jamaica!

    1. Right?? Sorry to stress you out, but hey, misery loves company ;-) It’s just the worst timing I guess, but at least I have Jamaica to hopefully destress a bit before jumping back into the hecticness!

    1. YES. It’s really easy to do. I was totally freaking out yesterday. And today, to an extent. I know it will come and go. I just gotta cope with it and move forward. Thank you for YOUR support too!

  10. Oh man, I’m going to start talking to M when I need a pep talk; he’s got some good advice!

    Remember that you’re in control of of the things you can control. Your agency can handle things for a few days while you and the boss are out, and then you’ll come back refreshed, recharged and ready to kick some butt and show what you’re made of. You’ve got this, and you know it (otherwise you would not have made the leap and taken the job) so trust your instincts and go.

    1. Wow, Michele, YOU are good at pep talks too, nevermind M ;-) Seriously, thank you, and I know you will be good at helping me stay sane ON our trip and not worrying. I can’t wait to enjoy it with you guys!! (and you are right, our agency can help too. I just try to do too much).

  11. How about you think of it this way:

    This is the second portion of the interview that you had just a short time ago. They had to put it off because they were too busy but now they are ready.

    They’ve asked your boss to step aside for a few weeks so they can now begin the practical portion of the interview. They now want to see how you would act, and lead, without someone to lean over to.

    Keep in mind that no other candidate has made it this far.

    This is the segment of the interview that allows them to observe you and your talents and how you would apply them.

    They will see if you are determined to be.

    1. Wow. That’s AN AWESOME way of looking at it. And very close to true, right? It is a test and I must pass it if I have any hope of a long-term job here. Game face on.

  12. It’s always a good idea to breathe ;). I also try to remind myself not to exert that much energy over the unknown. You know that you’ll have more responsibilities. You don’t know if there’s any negatives to that. Maybe much of it will be positive and the anxiety will be for naught? xoxo

    1. ‘not exert much energy over the unknown’ – wow, what a good way of putting it and habit! I need to do that more. There is so much I can’t control, why bother fretting so over it?

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