The here and now.

No, I will never forget 9-11-01.

I don’t think anyone will.

And while I will never forget and while I have read some beautiful posts reflecting back on the day that changed America, I wouldn’t do it justice to try and post one of my own on that topic.

But what I will reflect on is the day that changed me forever. Well, not even so much the day, but the journey that culminated in that day, two years ago.

The day of my divorce. 9-11-09.

It was a bittersweet day. I arrived with Pete, much to the puzzlement of both of our attorneys, and as we sat side by side at the courthouse, waiting for our turn with the judge, I felt like I was sitting there, watching a shell of myself. The shell of myself slowly starting to return, because, at that point, I just wanted to move forward, not sit in limbo of not-quite-married-not-quite-divorced. We sat there, chatting about our upcoming short sale, which was set to close about a month later, on 10-8-09, and then our names were called.

We stood at the podium. We answered the judges questions…the one question I will never forget? “Do you believe your marriage is irretrievably broken?”

“Yes.”

Without skipping a beat.

Out we walked. Didn’t really talk too much, other than to say, ‘wow, it’s really over, isn’t it?” He dropped me off at our house. I said goodbye, and walked inside. It was then that I broke down. I sat on the couch, and I cried. I don’t think I ever felt more alone, yet, in a small way, feeling ready to move forward. I looked around, and I couldn’t wait for the day to come where this would be just a faded memory of a lifetime past.

Today is that day.

Three days ago was the anniversary of the day I met the love of my life. The here and now.

That time? A faded memory. I will not forget. But it will not define me. I define me. This is my life.

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28 thoughts on “The here and now.

  1. Love that quote. It’s really so true. Anytime you talk about your divorce, and how broken you were it just makes my heart heavy. I am so incredibly happy for you know, how far you’ve come. I’m so glad you chose to pick yourself up and move forward, and not just move forward, but to take life by the horns so to speak.

  2. Wow. Reading the words “irretrievably broken” totally brought tears to my eyes. Brings me right back to that time in your life…when all I wanted to do was to tear that pain right out of your heart and take it on myself. I hated seeing such sadness in your eyes…but at the same time, I had to sit back and be proud of how you handled it. Incredibly proud, still am. You became this amazingly refined version of yourself through this process – stronger, more independent, more beautiful, more YOU. So yes, never forget what the past pain has done for you, within you. You are amazing sis. Your relationship with M is amazing. Filled with joy and love and beauty. Exactly how it should be.

    1. Thank you sis. Anytime you say you are proud…well, it makes my heart happy. Because I know if it were you (which it will NEVER be!), my heart would swell with joy too. XOXO.

  3. Wow, that’s heartbreaking. But, I’m glad you went through it… because those moments that felt like your heart was being ripped out made you appreciate M when you found him. It always works out in the end… for us all. :)

  4. wow. what a day to have your divorce-aversary on. i will never forget that experience. my ex was there, too, and had to sit there and watch me interrogate my WITNESS (because where i live, two adults can’t just agree that their marriage is over – the state requires a third party to testify as to how badly the marriage is broken). no one told us that he didn’t have to be there – all involved would have much preferred that he not be, actually. so i had to drag my witness into all of this, make him tell the judge how my marriage to someone else was irretrievably broken.

    i have a ton of anger about that day, none of which has anything to do with my ex or the actual end of the marriage, but more about how it had to happen.

    but you’re so right. the day does not define us. thanks for the encouragement.

    1. Right? What a day to have your divorce commence. Anger. Yeah, I am sure I felt some of that too. But in the end, the day doesn’t define us. It allows us to move on, break free from it.

  5. THIS: “I will not forget. But it will not define me. I define me. This is my life.”

    How often we allow our past, our pain, to define who we are. To determine how we feel about the NOW. When.. what if we didn’t?

  6. Wow. I forgot that you were divorced on 9/11. Last night, when we were out celebrating our anniversary (which is actually later this week), we ran into a couple I know. They were celebrating their 13th wedding anniversary (it’s actually 9/11). Far preferable to have 9/11 as your divorcesary, I say!

    I like how you describe yourself at the courthouse as a “shell of yourself.” That’s exactly how I felt at that point, too. So glad we’ve both left those days in the dust.

  7. Wow! Great reflection on that day. My one yr divorcesary was also this past week, actually on your anniversary with M. It’s amazing how much can change over time, 3 yrs or even 1 yr. I definitely agree with you that divorce does not define who you are. it impacts your life pretty hard but like you said, eventually it is just a memory in the past. And your future looks very BRIGHT!

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