On being real.

Sometimes I find it a struggle to balance being true to myself and being real. 

Like, being a good friend…but also only surrounding myself with positivity. Which sometimes makes me feel like I’m actually being a bad friend.

Like, running to run and for fun…but then stressing about how many miles I am actually doing (not as many as I’d like) and then wondering why I even *care* how many miles if I am running for fun?

Like challenging myself physically and mentally…but then feeling myself stagnate a little and wondering if I am actually challenging myself at all these days.

Like chronicalling less…but finding myself wanting to chronicle more. About M. About life. About stuff….and then meandering back to my ‘live more’ mantra.

Being real. Sometimes its harder to balance being real with being true to myself.

Because sometimes I WANT to run a race again, but then I realize I really don’t. I just get caught up in the excitement of it.

Because sometimes I WANT to just say no to certain social gatherings and stick to my ‘less is more’ mantra when it comes to friendships, but then feel compelled to say yes because I feel obligated or guilty saying no.

Because sometimes I WANT to shout from the (proverbial) rooftops about the depth of our love is becoming, with each moment, day, week, and weekend, but then want to respect those private moments we’ve shared between just us. Because I truly believe that’s where they belong.

Because sometimes I WANT to find a new physical challenge for myself…but then also love my ‘maintenance’ routine that I’m in right now and wonder why I feel compelled to find another challenge or goal. Is it necessary? Am I shying away out of fear? Or being too type A with always challenging myself with something? I just don’t know.

I’m being real…in that I feel like I am a walking oxymoron lately. Am I the only one that has internal battles like this…all the damn time?

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33 thoughts on “On being real.

  1. Girl I almost always feel like a “walking oxymoron.” I don’t like to race, but am signed up for one. I want to and don’t want to a the very same moment. And I am with you on wanting to run for fun, but then still managing to be concerned over speed, distance, etc. I’m not officially training right now even. I think we all have that sort of dichotomy to our personalities though. I think part of the deal is figuring out how to prioritize and not feel guilty as well.

    1. Ya know? we are SO alike in many ways in this regard, at least when it comes to running :-) This made me smile because I know I am not alone in that battle, for sure. Figuring out prioritizing and not feeling guilty – what I struggle with now, but I am working on it!

  2. I think we ALL fall into this ‘trap’ (for lack of a better word)…partly because that’s sorta what life is about: a constant journey, constant discovery, constant change and evolution. BUT I also think this is partly your (and my!) OATT-ing ways coming out to play a little bit here. Overthinking vs. just being, overly analyzing vs. being happy and content right where you’ve been planted. I don’t think this means you need to change ANYTHING, I just think sometimes you let your mind run wild on you and it causes all sorts of conflict, second guessing and oyxmorons to come flying out left and right. Just try to step back and ‘just be’ (and um hi, remind me of this next time I go off in this direction…you know its bound to happen!!) xoxo

    1. yes yes yes! i am the same way Jo! We constantly battle our minds and then end up at square one. Let go of the negative thoughts (me too) and just live.. no OVERthinking, just thinking. You amaze me and i love you even more for sharing this!

      1. It is a mind battle, isn’t it?? So frustrating sometimes. I just want to be REAL and ME. And sometimes I feel like those two battle each other somehow. XOXO

    2. It is HARD to just be sometimes. Because I feel like it makes me lax or stagnant. but it’s really just a huge adjustment for me. And the overthinking/OATTing doesn’t help ;-)

  3. Interesting post! I think being real and being true to yourself should go hand in hand. As I get older I realize and am okay with the fact that I can’t please everyone, or do something for the sake of trying to please everyone all the time. At the end of the day you have to take care of you. I have been trying to focus more on that lately…taking care of me and not stretching myself too thin. Here’s to being real, fearless and taking care of you! :-)

  4. Girl I totally feel you! I go through moments everyday where I actually think “Should I post this on Twitter? FB? My blog?”, I swear, the interwebz have ruined us! LOL. I do love reading about you and M ~ but I completely respect your need for privacy too. I also understand completely about social obligations – part of me HATES the idea of missing anything! That said don’t feel like you have to have post-challenge dinner with me ~ I understand!! ;)

    *hug*

    1. For me, it’s not so much about being real *here* on my blog, it’s about being real and honest with myself about what I want to do, vs. what I *think* I want to do. And sometimes those things conflict and I am not sure why. As for dinner, of COURSE I want to do that, no worries, my dear :) XO

  5. I think to some extent, we should do things that we don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s necessarily not being your real self. If I had my druthers (I can’t believe I used the word druthers!), I would stay home all weekend and do nothing, but I make myself go out with friends because I know it’s important to be social and maintain my friendships, even if I really just want to stay home.

    1. Ya know, that’s true, too! Druthers – LOL. Love it. And yeah, sometimes we do things because we truly have to but I do think more often than not, we shouldn’t HAVE to do things because we feel obligated. Ya know?

  6. You’re definitely not alone in this. Internal battles all the damn time. On the one hand, I’m glad for my blog and this blogging community because it keeps me accountable. But at the same time, it makes me feel like a hypocrite when I am not totally in line with my intentions and expectations. But I also think that inner conflict and turmoil *is* what makes us real in the end. Hope that makes sense.

  7. Girl, we are on the same page again. I just wrote a post about a “friend” from my high school that I saw at the reunion. Really made me feel guilty about some friends I don’t speak to anymore and my reasons for that. It really is a thin line, isn’t it?

  8. You are such a giving person Jolene. I think that’s why you experience so much push/pull. As for staying true to yourself, I think it takes practice if you aren’t used to be selfish (in a good way.) And I see your point about not wanting to chronicle your personal life now, as there is something sweet about keeping it just for you. It’s okay to be a walking contradiction. I pretty much live in that space, lol.

    1. Aww thank you friend! You are so sweet. It is a constant push/pull, so frustrating sometimes. a huge internal battle. Walking contradiction, YES! I can see that a little in both of us ;)

  9. preach, sister. this is real and you are not alone – I sometimes struggle with obligations, with how I want to spend my {precious} me time, even with opportunities I (think I?) want to pursue.

    it’s life. the only part you need to give up on is the guilt :D

    1. Oh no, this went to spam! how rude! ;-) I know, I do need to give up the guilt part. that is hard for me. But I think it’s important to stick to my guns on what is going to make me happy and not out of obligation.

  10. Amazing post! I find I struggle with the same internal conflicts from time to time, often when I am trying to please others or live up to something I think is expected of me. But like you said, being real and doing/living YOU is the best way to be. The rest all comes together when you’re living your life without rules.

    Some days you may want to write two blog posts, some days you may want to take a week off. Some days you may be able to run 10 miles, some you’d rather quit after one. But that’s OK. I’m learning this as well.. that it’s OK to make up my own rules every single day instead of living up to (sometimes) ridiculous expectations I have for myself.

    1. Thank you so much! I love your perspective, you bring up a great point. Some days I may want to do things that on others I may not. I don’t ALWAYS have to do the same thing all the time, out of habit or routine. It’s okay to explore those boundaries a bit and switch it up. Thank you for your feedback!!

  11. In simple words, thanks for keeping it real. Just by writing this you’re showing to so many that it’s OK to do what you feel – everyone feels differently. I always appreciate your perspective and the things you choose to put out there and keep to yourself, it’s completely your decision.

    I feel like you’re on this whole new direction and it’s awesome to watch!

    1. Thank you!! I do feel like I am turning a new direction and that feels a little scary, and ‘lost’ in a way. But I think it’s good :-)

  12. Part of keeping it real is noticing the dichotomies of your own goals in life.
    I think that is what really keeps you balanced.

  13. Lady, lady, lady! I think we ALL feel this way at some point or another. When I begin to feel the push/pull I often take some quiet time and ask myself what it is *exactly* I want/need/am looking for. I know deep down that God often lays it on my heart…..I just need to ‘dig’ ya know!

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