Sometimes I feel as though I am a bit of an oversharer and it has gotten me into trouble in the past.
Trouble, as in mentally.
Talking up a run, or a race (in the distant past!), or something I want to do.
And putting pressure on myself (my own doing!) that I just don’t need.
Trouble, as in emotionally.
Talking about life plans, or M, or changes in life that I may not be quite ready to talk about.
When sometimes, it’s best to share these things *after* they’ve happened, or after you’ve achieved a milestone or accomplished that goal.
Now is one of those times in my life – and M’s life – that I feel the need to be quiet.
To not disclose a lot of the transitions we are going through right now (they’re all good, don’t worry!), to put unnecessary pressure on myself, or on us, to ‘perform’ – if that makes sense. To live our life right now, learn with each other, grow with each other, continue our paths towards faith together, and well…keep it at that. Between us.
(I’m guessing this vagueness may cause some eyebrow raises or questions or emails, but honestly, I just need to keep my life and my brain as uncluttered and as focused as possible right now, and as much as I want to gab on about the goodness, the grace, the will, and the path right now, I just think it’s best saved for the thrill in the surprise when all is said and done. Doesn’t everyone like surprises? I appreciate the respect for privacy and support, nonetheless, however, as always!))
This leads me to faith. I talk about it a lot. I advise it a lot, to my sisters, my family, M, friends, etc.
But when it comes to me latching on and believing in faith? Sometimes I am really bad at believing in faith. In believing that what’s meant to be will be. Trusting that life is happening the way it is meant to.
Today was one of those days.
And as much as I wanted to not get my hopes up, and not let myself believe…it was too late. And when the letdown came, it was hard. I immediately got upset, I got teary, I got frustrated. And M’s first reaction? “That just means God has bigger things in store for us, don’t worry.”
What can I even say to that except to feel incredibly blessed to have a man in my life, a man I will be with forever, utter the words I needed to hear at that very minute and for those words to come out of his mouth?
Another example came this weekend, when seeing my grandparents and spending some time together and realizing that while they are both in very good health, my gram at 89 and my gramp at 85, they are…old. And in a sense, it may just be a matter of time, and with life being so fleeting, it just sort of sunk in, that while yes, I am again incredibly blessed to have such healthy grandparents, and such a close relationship with them, it’s far too easy to take that for granted too. And scary to think of the inevitable.
That feeling of peace washed over me, as M and I discussed my fears over their health, on our drive home, and again today, with that text I really needed to read.
Sometimes I need a giant rope to help me hang on to faith for dear life, and other times, faith feels as though it surrounds me. Now is a time where my faith may be tested a fair amount, but with the support of a man I can’t thank God enough for, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that that faith will hold strong, Now. And forever.
Pardon my meandering post today, and somewhat vagueness. To some, this may make sense, to others, it may not. But either way, sometimes you just gotta get out what’s on the mind, and tonight’s one of those nights. Cheers, friends.