I’ve been grappling for weeks on what to do with my blog but I’ve felt some clarity this weekend while on ‘lakation’ and as I sit here, rain pouring down, M beside me writing his novel (yes, novel…he is an amazing writer!)….I’ve started to come to a realization.
I miss writing.
And not just the puppies and rainbows writing I’ve grown accustomed to over the years, as my life has blossomed into the life I never imagined it could ever blossom into, but the life that I live – and love – now. The here and now. The imperfections. The stresses. The moments where I battle myself. But also? The moments where I experience this sense of euphoria…of where my life is now, vs. then, and no matter what, despite the imperfections, it is imperfectly perfect.
And that is real. And it’s not puppies and rainbows. And it has moments where I feel like I flail a little bit and am not sure what my next step is. With my job. With myself. With my journey.
And sometimes? It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to have a bad day. It’s okay to not strive for perfection (because perfection is overrated anyway) and aim for balance, realistic expectations and ultimately, happiness and simplicity. Not perfect. Not being everything to everyone. But making the hard decisions. Saying no. Staying true to me, beyond all else.
And I think that is relatable to many…the grapplings with what we all likely struggle with far more often than we’d like to admit. And it is something I am always exploring inwardly, how to get past my drive towards this need for perfection (or close to it) and want/need to be all to everyone, rather than really focus on what truly matters, and stop apologizing for that. Because we simply cannot be everything to everyone without something suffering (and usually that is ourselves, or our relationships, marriages, etc).
So maybe…just maybe…this is my emergence into my life as I see it now, absolutely imperfectly perfect, with a man that sits to my left, supporting me, laughing with me, but also challenging me to think differently, to not give up, to strive for more. And sometimes, to argue with, to get frustrated with and to want to shake him to get my point (even though I am sometimes wrong, as hard as it is to admit that) and realize that no matter what, we are in this forever, we are meant to be, we are attached at the heart and soul, and there’s nobody else I’d rather share this journey with than him. Forever.
So with this emergence…a new blog design, a new ‘about me’ – it may not be written as often as before, but it will shed light into the ongoing a-ha moments, the reality of life, and skip past the puppies and rainbows more often than not, because as much as I am a positive, happy person, life isn’t perfect. Nor should it be.
This is me. Learning. Embracing. Living. And once again, redefining… In the next chapter of my life…