Stealing my own joy.

Lately, I’ve struggled with the little things. The nitpicks. The stuff I can’t control. The stuff I wish I could control. The things that are simply out of my control.  And the stuff that I just need to find a way to separate myself from emotionally.

Do you ever find yourself in that boat? Letting things affect you and your mood that are either simply out of your control or, more bluntly, none of your business, in a sense, yet they still nag and nag and nag at you until poof,  joy is stolen. By you.

I’ve realized I’ve stolen my own joy lately for no other reason than letting the little things get to me.

In my ongoing journey of living ‘perfectly imperfect’ – this is one area that I just must fix. It seems to rear its ugly head when life is just chugging along, all good. Life is good, work is good, b9 is good, runs/workouts are good…it’s alllll good. And it’s like I subconsciously semi self-sabotage myself to find something to bother me. But why? What’s the sense in that?

Maybe it goes back to that feeling I’ve always had, deep down. That guilt over reaching a triumphant point in my life, a life that I built from scratch less than 5 years ago, getting through divorce, and all the financial, emotional, and yes, even physical struggles that come with it, to finding the true love of my life less than two years after my divorce, and marrying him two years later. The guilt over being happy when there are so many around me that are not, that are struggling to find their path, their love of their lives, their ‘calling’ if you will.

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I’ve earned this. I’ve worked for this. And yes, I deserve it too. I need to shed the guilt. And also shed the habit of finding things to be unhappy about. Finding them. Why? What is the sense in that? Honestly. Sometimes I shake my head at myself and want to slap myself.

I’ve been digging deeper, reading a lot of scripture, daily devotionals (especially the one I cherish from this beautiful soul!) and vent sessions with my sisters and with M. About my incessant need to let things bug me that honestly really should not. And it’s really helping. Sometimes I just need to process the root cause of things…the why behind the joy stealing.

And in writing this all out, it’s giving me the accountability I need to cut the shit. Get over the little stuff.  And when I saw this on instagram, it all came together. No more joy stealing. Leave it alone. Instead, focus on what makes me smile. And my friends, that is what I shall do.

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22 thoughts on “Stealing my own joy.

  1. Personal opinion here? Its ok to wallow a little. We all need to be selfish with our feelings sometimes. We’re all HUMAN and thus imperfect. But you’re right, at some point you need to open your hands and let the worries go. A trick I learned a long time ago was when I was really struggling and I prayed I would open my hands and lift them up to God. It was my way of reminding myself that I should let the worries go & be open to receiving the gifts He has for me. Also, in every day you struggle just remember you are an inspiration to someone (me!) as I’m just starting this whole dang process.

    1. Wow, Stephanie, I LOVE that, literally opening your hands and lift them up. That gave me chills. I really think I need to do that sometimes, because I literally just need to let go of stupid mental vomit, as I call it, sometimes. There’s no need for it. XOXO.

  2. I think it’s natural to feel probably a little scared when you have arrived at a “good” place. Maybe deep down you worry that the other shoe is going to drop and it’s all going to be chaos? In that case, the need to control makes a ton of sense my friend. It’s a fear thing, needing to arrange and manage everything. I’m always thinking about the people I know who have it worse than me, and I feel guilty about not being grateful for what I do have. Think about it this way. Ironically, you doing this IS you being imperfect, so I’d say even this issue qualifies you as living the perfectly imperfect life.

    1. Thanks friend, you are so good at understanding me sometimes and getting what I mean! Sometimes, it is that other shoe to drop feeling. sometimes it is seeing others in obvious strife and I feel guilty that I am not. And other times, it is sheer stupid nitpicky, catty things, that I just need to step away from. xoxo

  3. Interesting. I definitely go through spells where I let the piddly stuff steal my joy – ruin my OWN joy. I mean, how silly is that. And it’s like, you realize you’re doing it at one point but you can’t stop it. As far as sabotaging yourself when you feel like things are “chugging” along perfectly, maybe it’s not so much that as that you more easily notice the piddly crap b/c the bigger things are going so well? Does that even make sense?

    1. It is SO SILLY, isn’t it? Like why am I doing this to myself. what is the sense in that. there is enough going in our day to day that we don’t need to make it unecessarily unhappy. And you are so right, when life IS going well, it is easy to notice the piddly crap. SO get that.

  4. EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!! Don’t dwell on the small shit! (ha ha ha ha, sorry, my mind went to the gutter, yep, I am immature). BUT HONESTLY, whenever I have those moments where I think, “UGH EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONNNNGGGGGGG!!!!” I always think about the people who have it worse than I do, and then I think about all the amazing things that I DO HAVE and that AREE GOING ON in my life!!! That always picks me up and puts everything into perspective immediately! Seriously works like a charm!

  5. sometimes I have to laugh at myself because I mentally hash and hash and hash over issues until I cannot remember what really happened and what my MIND has been hashing. thanks for the reminder!!

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  7. This –> “I’ve realized I’ve stolen my own joy lately for no other reason than letting the little things get to me.” I’ve been so so so struggling with this lately too and it does seem to rear its head when things are humming along. It’s like I have to pick a fight with myself or something!! Crazy pants. I don’t know if it’s necessarily sabotaging yourself but I do think that it’s easier to notice the littler things when the bigger thing seem to be in place. This is definitely something that I need to focus on more.

    1. I pick fights with myself too! what is WRONG with us? For real. LAME city. I am glad I am not the only one, though I hate that you are struggling with this too! XOXO

  8. I do the same thing…I feel like it’s a girl thing. I find myself getting annoyed and bothered by stupid little things for no reason. Ive been doing a much better job since getting pregnant at taking a step back and telling myself to chill out! I really do try to be grateful every single day for all the wonderful people and things in my life and to stop sweating the small stuff, especially the things out of my controk.

  9. I do this too, Sicilian cousin. I’ve been reading Brene Brown – she is so great – about this stuff. Even GJ pointed out to me that I have some vision in my head of “perfect” that will never come to be. And, even if it is, I will wonder if I deserve it.

    I’m right there with you. Working on this too. Sending you love.

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