On being content.

This post was really hard to write. I almost didn’t post it. But I think it’s important to process feelings, and also just be real and transparent, so this is me, doing just that. 

**

It is no secret that I struggle with letting go, (under) rather than OVER thinking and just being. It’s been my goal to ‘just be’ and live my life that way, yet, lately, I have had the hardest time in a very long time being content. And I am ashamed to even admit that. Especially because that inability to be content? It’s focused squarely on me. Solely.

I feel as though I have slid back into years-since-gone mental mind games. I can’t be 3f1af10609d3dcfb89530984c272f675content with me, because I won’t let myself. And I am so mad at myself for even going there and not being my own best friend.  When I help my friends, clients, my sisters, even, when they are having a bad day, pull themselves out of a mental rat hole, and treat themselves as a friend, not an enemy, yet I can’t seem to do it for myself.

And then I read my beautiful blend Sarena’s post on contentment and I feel utterly humbled. Her words snapped me back into reality with a b*tchslap of perspective I needed more than I thought I did.  I need to harness her words – appreciate the here and now and stop reaching so hard. WHY AM I REACHING?! I have a life I adore, yet I find the one thing that may always be (in a good way) a work in progress and fixate on it to the point of negativity. Why do I feel compelled to always be reaching, changing, doing? Reach, reach, reach.

Why can’t I just BE. Be normal. Be myself. Be free. Without second guessing. Without worrying. Without being in controlallthedamntime.

So, here I write, marking my words, I am done with this. It is not worth it. No more of the mental mind games and the guilt prison, and instead, I will embrace who I am now, not who I wish I was, or what I wish I looked like, or what I want to do more of…the here and now. ME. I worked hard become a me I am proud of, and there is no reason to tear down years of hard work and growth over mind games.

 

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27 thoughts on “On being content.

  1. If I could hug you right now I would… you are strong, you are smart, you are inspiring, you are beautiful (inside and out), you are fit, you are healthy, you are sweet, you are kind, you are thoughtful… you are all the wonderful things in the world… you are YOU… the MOST PERFECT YOU that has existed to date… and I am certain that tomorrow you will be even more so!!!

    hugs my friend!!!

    1. ((hug)) thank you friend, you made me smile and know you are right, I need to treat myself as others view me, not as my messed up head views me sometimes. Since writing this, I actually feel better. Sometimes I just need to get it OUT of my head and on paper to realize what I am doing and release it from my mind.

  2. I hear you, friend. And I really understand the emotional processes you’re having. This has been the most difficult few months of my life and every aspect of it comes back to the anxiety that comes from my lack of control. I know how it feels to just be done with it and throw in the towel because it’s NOT worth it. We have a lot to be grateful for and we know that when we let go, God works in our lives. But it’s not easy on a daily, moment-to-moment basis…so be kind to yourself no matter what. The awareness and the desire to change will persevere and you (we) will break these mental games. Sending you a lot of love. p.s. Read James 1…I have it bookmarked. <3

    1. oh yes, i totally understand you both. Our need to control leads to anxious thoughts. But how GOOD GOD is.. we must TRUST HIS ways more and let go of those thoughts. WE CAN with his strength and support from each other. love you both!

      1. Exactly. Anxious thoughts are no bueno and lead to far more negative unhealthy thoughts. I need to trust and stop trying to force away faith in favor of my own agenda. XOXO.

    2. <3 Dorry, thank you thank you thank you for your comment and for the dose of perspective I need when I see what I am dealing with – my own mental mind games and senseless lack of perspective, when you are going through a very difficult time and sometimes it is (too) easy for me to lose sight of that and get lost in my mind. I will bookmark James 1 too. You are such a blessing. XO

  3. I’m so glad you did write and publish this. Jolene, it probably helps so many others to read that you, as positive as you are, struggle too. We are all human, and we all have our foibles to work on. Imperfection is beautiful. I try to control everything too, hence the anxiety issues. Baby steps.

    1. Thank you friend. I know, I need to do this more often and just get it out there, and well, get it out. And to take baby steps and know this is so not a cold turkey thing. at all. XO

  4. Alright. I read this yesterday and I’ve been ruminating on it since. I have a few thoughts to share. :-)

    First of all, cut yourself some G-D slack. MANY of us struggle with similar issues, you’re not alone in this. You’re not some kind of rotten person because you struggle with issues around control, letting go, being content. I think that this is a common human struggle. It’s one thing for you to struggle with it, a totally other one to give yourself shit for doing it. ;-)

    Also, do remember that a certain amount of ‘striving for better’ is a good thing. We all need something to motivate ourselves forward in life. It’s having something to work toward that makes us get up in the morning. Without keeping our ‘eyes on the prize’, then really, what’s the point? Now, of course we need to appreciate the here and now and what we’ve got every single day, but what I think you really need to do is work on balance here — between appreciating what you’ve got while you strive for more.

    Try to be gentle with yourself, friend. You deserve it. xo

    1. :) I knew you would be all over this one!! One because we are so similar in this way sometimes and two, because I know you would tell me to stop being so hard on myself. Or seeing myself as this rotten soul for having these thoughts :) THANK YOU for that. And I 1000% agree that striving for better is a GOOD thing and rails against complacency, but when that striving for better outweighs the joy and happy in everyday life? Then it needs some toning down. At least in my opinion. XOXO

  5. Awh friend I’m glad you put your feelings out there. I have problems with this as well. When is everything just good enough? I think it is just that mentality of always wanting to be better and do more but we forget the life happening right in front of us. Lots of love, you’ve got this:)

    1. I totally agree – ‘the good enough’ factor. doesn’t need to be perfect, and life, the here and now, is equally, if not more, important. XOXO

    1. Yeah, I do. Sadly. I am working on it though, and realizing that work in progress is a GOOD thing. There’s so much to enjoy in between it all.

  6. The little owl guy is saying exactly what I want to say to you all the time, but my words don’t come out nearly as eloquently. Instead, I wind up chastising you for beating yourself up, instead of hugging you or simply just letting you get it out of my head. And you know why? Because it hurts my heart to hear you say such sad things about yourself, to see you steal your own joy right from underneath you. And for what? So you can strive for perfection which is something NOBODY can ever attain? this is why God made us the way that He did, because nobody is perfect, we’re all imperfectly perfect and that’s truly beautiful if you get right down to it. In the heat of the moment though, when the only thing you can focus on is that nitpick in the mirror (or insert whatever it is you are struggling with at the moment, physically or otherwise), it’s HARD to pick yourself up and get out of your head, and to rise above to new perspective where being content with the beautiful life you’ve created for yourself and with M is your new focus. I am obviously not perfect, and obviously I struggle with this issue from time to time, but lately, you’ve struggled with it far more and it makes my heart sad. So I’m being the owl — hug sis, hug hug hug huggggggg. <3

    1. Love you sis, and thank you for trying to fix, and shield me from me sometimes. I do need that. and we both need to be better at NOT beating ourselves up or being a-holes to ourselves but best friends to each other and everyone else. XOXOXO

  7. Oh friend. Thank you for putting this out there and yes, that little owl would be what I would be saying to you too. I know this all too well too. Isn’t it crazy what games our minds can play on us? and it is when I try to control things too much that things start to feel too much and the feeling of discontentment (is that even a word??) start to arise. Take a deep breath and pause for a moment and let the thoughts run out of your mind. Big hugs. xo

    1. it is seriously so crazy and awful. a week later, and I feel a zillion times better and can’t believe I was that down and into that rathole. I hate when that happens and it is so hard to pull yourself out of! XOXO friend, thanks for understanding as always!

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