Category Archives: Living with M

Nailed it 2013 (and what to nail in 2014)

I loved this idea for a post that Christine wrote and thought I would do my own little take on it, partially as a look back at the year, but also reflecting on areas ‘to nail’ in 2014. Not so much goals, but moreso in the quest of my ‘perfectly imperfect’ journey.

What I’ve nailed in 2013?

Let’s see, I think I’ve done a pretty good job with these, but you’ll notice some of them show up in the ‘what to nail’ list below, and hey, that’s okay. Some of these are ongoing and reminders to me constantly.

  1. Nixing the numbers fixation. I struggled with this a LOT in 2012 and the early part of 2013. From weight, to miles, to food, to everything. I felt compelled to quantify everything, when really, who cares? Who am I competing against but myself, and even then, why is it a competition? It’s not, so cut the sh*t and just live.
  2. Learning to let go. This is a work in progress, but I do feel like I’ve made some big strides here. This really ties in to number one, above, too, because part of my numbers fixation is all about control and *not* letting go. And I am trying to apply this to all areas of my life, including my marriage, because I never want to fall into the trap of constantly nagging, complaining, nitpicking over seriously non-issues, when there is a man that loves me for me, that would do anything for me, that lets E-V-E-R-Y-thing roll off his back and yet, I sit there, uptight and nudgy half the time. That’s ridiculous and not even worth it. So I am learning. And trying to step back, breathe, and then react.
  3. Balancing the ‘me’ workouts with those I teach at barre n9ne. I think every instructor or trainer must face this at one point or another, how to balance their own ‘me’ workouts with those they teach. At first, I tried to keep my usual barre/running routine *and* my classes (which could range anywhere from 6-9 classes a week), but that quickly became a ‘HARDER, not SMARTER’ routine and I was getting nowhere. So I stopped taking classes and just taught them, and ran. And that didn’t feel quite right either, because the first time I took a class in a month, I felt AMAZING after and I realized how much I missed TAKING classes, not just teaching them. So I found my balance in taking a couple of classes a week – less if I taught more, more if I taught less, as schedule allowed – and I think it has not only made me stronger and feel more fit, it has made me a better instructor. I can weave in new combinations of moves I observe other instructors do while I take their class, I realize how certain moves stacked with others tire the body (in a good way) and think about new ideas for my own class structures, and it just lets my mind roam and feel the workout in a way that I don’t feel when I am teaching, and making sure clients are in proper form etc.
  4. Prioritizing.  This has been HUGE for me. I was feeling so rush-rush-rush and busy all.the.time until I started saying no. Until I started prioritizing and putting my time where it mattered most, not spread so thin that I barely enjoyed any of it. I am definitely keeping this one on the list for 2014 and beyond, because prioritizing is truly the simplest way to happiness.
  5. Marrying M. I file this under ‘nailed it’ because, six months ago today, I married the man I was meant to be with, and with each day that passes, I realize more I love about M, more qualities that I adore about him, and more I want to explore and learn together in our marriage. And in the literal sense, I married M in the most perfect way for us than I could have ever imagined. Quietly. Small. In a place that we love, Healdsburg. What more could we have asked for? Bliss.

What to nail in 2014…

  1. Letting go. This is one I have just started to ‘feel’ happening, the change towards letting go and not being so damn particular about things, and I am excited to see it continue to take shape in 2014. It’s been worth it to step back, to release control, especially in my marriage with M, to give that to him more, since he is so laid back and easy about life, the ‘control’ tends to shift to me, and I don’t always think that is best, because it just feeds into my type A-ness and not the good qualities of being type A. And it allows me to sit back and slow down more, when I let go, observe and BE.
  2. Not taking others’ actions so personally. This one has reared its ugly head in the last oh, six months or so, and it’s driving me crazy. There are a few instances of things that have happened in my life that I took SO damn personally and stepping back, they truly had nothing to do with me, as a friend, employee, person. Yet I allowed it to attack my psyche, to bring me down, to draw out the cattiness and some resentment. And those are  ugly qualities. No more. I draw the line here.
  3. Allowing imperfection (more). Dirty dishes, being late (oh this one drives me crazy, but once in awhile, is being say, 5 mins late, for example, the worst thing and reason to get all bent over? uhh no.), changing plans or course of action. Letting these things happen. Letting go, per #1 as above ;)
  4. Stop the comparison trap for good. I really DID nix this one almost entirely this year – tying into the numbers fixation issue I mentioned above, but once in awhile, it still comes back. And it again brings about ugly traits, jealousy, bitterness, frustration. And I am NOT that person. So I vow to rid myself of this need to compare, compare, compare. This isn’t a competition or a race. Compare to nobody, not even yourself.
  5. Slowing down. I have LOVED the slowdown challenge and getting into The In-Between, I just drink up the words and want to sear them into memory forever. There is just so much you see, learn and experience when you slow down, strip away the complications, and keep it simple. It’s truly amazing.

So, there you have it…some things I’ve nailed in 2013 and more I plan to nail in 2014, along with living with intention, of course. What I found most interesting in putting this list together, is how many of them tie together so well, and the themes that rise out of these – simplicity, balance, and embracing. I’d say that’s the only way to live, don’t you?

On reminiscing, milestones, and gratitude.

As we head into Thanksgiving, I love reading friends’ blogs, Facebook, and instagram posts about giving thanks, and gratitude and pending excitement over the kick off to the holiday season, but I tend not to write posts during this time of year about what I am thankful for…partially in line with a post Lindsay wrote once, about being thankful daily, not just once a year (so true!).

But as I looked through some past posts I  had written about the holidays, I realized something. Thanksgiving has been a hugely symbolic part of my journey, starting five years ago, to today.

Five years ago was my first Thanksgiving alone. It was a very raw and emotional time as my separation was just weeks prior, and as hard as it was, having my sister Jen by my side that day made all the difference in the world, and was probably one of the most selfless things she could have done for me that day, and to this day, those memories sit in my heart warmly and is a time I will never forget.

Four years ago was my first Thanksgiving (and set of holidays) that I truly and 100% looked forward to. I adored being able to take these holidays as MINE and to go whereever I wanted, spend time with family that cared about me, and not have to split my time with an in-law side that, well, didn’t like me. They lived two states away, which meant entirely splitting up holidays every other year, and not being able to see my family on Thanksgiving or Christmas, every year. So, to have a blank slate and be able to spend the holidays my way felt like a rare treat.

Three years ago, I was welcomed into M’s family, for the first time. I spent Thanksgiving evening with his family, meeting many of them for the first time. And it was then that I realized my relationship with M was special. If only I know where we’d be three years later…

Two years ago, we spent Thanksgiving together, with my family and M’s family, for the first time. We were living together, and it was our first year to celebrate the holidays in our own place, starting new traditions, and sharing in every moment together.

This year? Wow. We own our first house together. We are married (! I still love saying that, and calling him my husband, and can’t believe it’s only been 5 months!). And we will host our families together, for the very first time. I plan to soak in every minute, amid the chaos and hustle and bustle of hosting a big crowd for Thanksgiving, but I couldn’t be more thankful or more happy at where my life – our lives – are now. As our story continues.

Cheers, and to those that celebrate, happy Thanksgiving!

A fun lesson in stepping back and letting go.

Last week, I found myself going into ‘nitpicky’ mode over a few type A peeves of mine with M. Leaving his belt on the bed. Every.single.night. when he gets home from work. Leaving the little tag from his dry cleaned shirt on the floor, and his socks balled up ON THE BUREAU, to name a few (hee), and it would put me into a sour mood for a stupid reason and it would snowball a bit from there. I was mad at myself for getting irritated, as it’s not the biggest deal for *me* to just pick them up, but once in awhile, I just feel like I am constantly walking around and picking up after what hurricane M has left behind ;-)

On Saturday morning, after I got home from my b9 classes, M hugged me and sighed and said “I feel like we haven’t been ourselves lately. And I want to fix that.”

And it made me realize that I was a huge part of why we weren’t ourselves last week and not entirely connected. Silly reasons. Valid frustrations, sure, but legit problems? No. Not a chance.

So, I stepped back, and I told him I was sorry for being nitpicky and grumpy and naggy all week and I wanted to make the day better, and take a fresh perspective and outlook. Just breathe, shake it off, and move forward. Because, let’s face it, I have an amazing husband (and yes, he too, has an amazing wife, just sayin. hee), we have built an amazing life together, and there is no sense nitpicking the week away.

Beyond the nitpicking, I also notice that I have been far too controlling in what we make for dinner, how we decide what to have and what we make on date nights, particularly (date night in, our specialty!). So I issued a challenge that would be far ‘harder’ for me than it would be for M.

I tasked M with making ME dinner from start to finish, and I was not allowed to meddle, to clean around him, to tell him to cook ‘neater’ (yes, yes, I do actually say that…LOL), and just roll with it. And next weekend, I would do the SAME for him. A fun challenge, if you ask me, and a way to appreciate each other. M tagged pictures on instagram as #wifeappreciation dinner and I shall do the same next weekend. As much as I thought it would be hard to be in the dark, to stay out of the kitchen, and trust that whatever he would make would not only be tasty, but would also not break the caloric bank ;-)

It turned into a lesson for me of taking a step back, releasing control, and embracing M for who is he – perhaps a messy cook, but a damn good one at that, and a man that truly DOES appreciate me, that does love and support me, and that may toss his socks and belt aside, but in the grand scheme, doesn’t matter in the slightest. And it turned into one of our most connected evenings together of late, and a needed one at that.

Sometimes releasing control and stepping back is far more valuable than I ever thought it would be.

Perfectly imperfect, and always learning and embracing.

Where our story continues…the SURPRISE!

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Surprise!! :-) As some of you know from knowing me ‘in real life’ – you know that this past week, M and I got married. Secretly. Quietly. And 3000 miles away. In our mecca, Healdsburg, California. It was simple, it was quiet, it was amid the grapes, a few friends and each other and it was exactly as we would have ever wanted it. Perfection. Us. The last 10 days spent together has me relatively speechless, but I plan to document our day (his and hers perspectives!), our vows (which I, and M, both *barely* held it together for), and everything in between…the why, the how, the details.

But for now, just a taste, a picture. Us. Where our story continues…the SURPRISE <3

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On quietness and being.

Welp, the minute I sit down to finally write a post, I write it and it dissapears :/

It’s been two weeks since the move.

It’s been two weeks (almost) since my last post (!).

It’s been a blur of a two weeks. A blur of a few months. And I am trying my damnest to simplify, to be, to enjoy these special moments, this special time in my life.

But I just wish I had more hours in the day. I feel settled…yet not settled, because there’s never enough time. (if that makes any sense). And I start to get frustrated with myself. Like this morning, thinking of the week and weekend ahead and all I want to do. And then I read this, from Joel Osteen:

So many people today find themselves caught up in the day-to-day busyness of life, driven to do more in less time. It seems people constantly strive to find ways to cram more into their already overcrowded schedules. But at the same time, God is constantly inviting us to step away from the hectic pace of life and come to Him to find rest for our souls. He invites us to be still before Him, to get quiet so we can hear His voice and set our hearts and minds at peace.

As much as I try to de-crowd, it’s still crowded. I need to prioritize even more. I need to let come to the surface the big things, not the ‘obligations’ or things I feel like I HAVE to do, and just do those that are important to do. And to embrace the chaos right now, as I am surrounded by the family and friends that would go to the ends of the earth and back for me (and vice versa) and a man that I love from the bottom of my heart, and to the tips of my toes. A man I cannot wait to marry and see where our lives take us, together, united.

And for now, I am going to do my best to juggle the two jobs I am doing as my boss is on maternity leave (great timing with moving too, right? #sarcasm), and use this as an opportunity to grow, and learn, and practice simplifying in my job as well, focusing on the big tasks, and not worrying SO much about the little. Staying in GSD mode and tackling the challenge <–that is my daily pep talk to myself!

…sorry for such a rambling post, but it’s what’s swirling right now, and what I need to really focus on. I have a feeling I am not the only one who needs this, and this reminder. So, friends, simplify, quiet yourself, and just be…it’s worth the challenge.

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