Listening to music as I powered through some interval work (which I happily embraced this week…yet another thing I can’t get used to, actually *liking* interval work!), I looked at my reflection in the blank TV screen and I consciously shifted my shoulders down and back. Adjusting my posture naturally as I had started to hunch slightly. The fact that I noticed that instantly and adjusted my posture was so interesting to me. It’s one of the things I am learning during barre n9ne certification, all about proper alignment and how to spot when clients are out of alignment and how to adjust them. And having good posture while running helped me breathe better and feel stronger (maybe the ‘stronger’ part was more mental than anything) and also maintain a strong core, too.

What else have I noticed? My legs are so strong, stronger than they ever were even when I was doing a lot of heavy weight training on my lower legs. My quads, hamstrings, glutes…strong. Able. Pushing me through my run with Meaghan on Wednesday, and up one of my most dreaded hills (even she muttered ‘well this hill sucks!’) and faster than I’ve run before too, I’m pretty sure. Because as I huffed along after that hill, she mentioned we were running 9:15 miles – ! – which is at least 20-40 seconds faster than my normal and even that small increment of speed was hard and I labored, but I did it, thankful for a strong running partner (and patient one, too!) that pushed me out of my comfort zone for 6.4 miles.  Having strong legs is a major factor in how  much better I feel when I run, especially when I run outside. I compare it to how I felt last year and my legs just felt heavy and weighted down (which they were, literally, since they definitely weighed more then too!) and it made each run such a labor, but not in a challenging way, but in a ‘too hard’ way. (if that makes sense).

And lastly? Shin strength. Wow. I don’t think I have gotten shin splints once in the last 8 months or so. This is compared to last year, when I would have to space my runs at least one day, usually two, days apart to rest my aching shins. Compare to to this week and I ran 5 on Sunday, 5.5 on Monday and 6.4 on Tuesday. Zero shin pain. (thank you releves, and uber barre work!!)

It’s been a solid week for my run challenge, with one more to go tomorrow. Depending on how tonight’s 3-hour barre n9ne training goes (with another 4 hours tomorrow!), I’ll decide how far my run tomorrow will be, but no matter if it’s 3, 5, or 7, it’ll be my fourth run for the week, meeting my goal.

What a difference 13 weeks and 8 months of barre n9ne makes.

Happy Friday, friends! Make it a good one, will ya?

**asslap to everyone adding some sweat to their lives, no matter what form it comes in…yoga, running, walking, swimming, kickboxing, barre, you name it, it counts  **

Growing up, I never did any team sports, or many group activities of any kind (except Band for two years in middle school and I hated every minute of it!) and I always wondered if that ‘hole’ in my childhood experience would come back to me later in life. And the more I look back at times where I have held back, I go back to my childhood and feel as though not participating in those activities has ‘rubbed off’ on me to this day. In terms of holding back and not fully having the ability to let go, to act a part, to be part of a group, as a leader. For some reason, I equate these types of group activities with cultivating that ability and comfort level with it, because I think not being as involved (this was completely voluntary, by the way, nothing to do with my parents or anything!) enabled me to shutter myself out a bit and be more naturally inward.

I think this is why I have put myself out there, out of my comfort zone countlessly over the last several years and in most cases, with success. But there is still a part of me that just holds back. It’s as thought my body is in this extreme state of discomfort, pushing against a wall that just won’t budge, so I get to that ‘good’ stage but never get to that ‘dare to be great’ stage. It’s actually extremely frustrating because I know I can do the things in which I am most afraid, but that I know will take the most work, the most discomfort and will cause the most fear to rise up in my chest.

But doing what I have always done – holding back – won’t get me to that ‘dare to be great’ stage. Nor will pushing against it and just hoping that it’ll eventually budge that extra few yards to the finish line. I need to act different. I need to approach the things that scare me – but that I really want most – differently so I don’t go into hold-back mode and I break through that barrier, farther than a few yards, more like an entire football field. Go for the touchdown, not just the field goal.

Part of that is quieting the mind…a post my sis wrote, that I read part of, but stopped myself, because we are clearly of the same mind today (shocking…you’d think we were related or something. Hehe).

Part of that is trusting myself and shutting out the voices that tell me no, and more importantly, shutting out the eyes that are watching, the ears that are listening, and just focusing on what I am doing. Just me, nothing else. I have always been so concerned with how I come across and how I am doing things, rather than just focusing on doing them well and screw whatever else is occurring around me, whoever is around me, and what the circumstances are.

And the biggest part? Just doing it. Run towards that fiery wall and just busting through it. No matter if I feel like I look stupid, or wrong, or different. That’s the point. It’s different. It’s new. It’s not me. But it will be.

Right?

Isn’t that what life is all about?  

Going for the ‘dare to be great’ moments instead of holding back and sitting by the sidelines? I’ve been down the ‘going halfway and then stopping’ route far too many times, the thisclose or ‘good enough’ but I am sick of that. I don’t want to be good enough. I want to be great.

And to be great means a clean slate, throwing the rulebook out of the window and just going for it. If I can apply it to running, I can apply it to anything, right?

So that is just what I will do. Go. For. It. 

What do I have to lose?

Absolutely nothing.

Carpe Diem.

Seize the Day.

Make your lives extraordinary.

**Watch one of my favorite scenes from Dead Poet’s Society…starts around 5 mins in…gives me chills every.single.time.**

I fully expected the familiar ‘anxiety’ feelings to arise as I saw runners whizz past me, emulating the feelings that I usually get when it’s me in that flurry of runners. But instead?  I started to feel a bit of renewed sense of faith in running (as evidenced also by my guest post on running for me) and even, just maybe, the racing aspect that I tend to hate dislike so much. Because what I saw was the camaraderie of those cheering their family and friends on, and the glimmers of happiness in the eyes of those runners as they saw their family and friends rooting them on. I was glad to give Samantha a little moral boost, when I finally saw her, and know from personal experience that it really does help to see friendly faces in the crowd.

But beyond that, it was some words of advice I got on Sunday that really resonated with me. I met up with Meaghan - finally – who I’m pretty convinced will become a fast friend (she’s awesome!) – and talking to her about my past struggles with racing (read her recent post here too, that partially recaps the day). On how I pretty much choke on race day (anxiety, breathing trouble, the whole 9 yards), and I asked her how she’s been able to put that pressure out of her mind (given her 10 marathons(!) she’s run!), and she simply said, ” ‘you just do.’ It’s you and 5,000 other runners out there, you can’t let that affect you.”

Simply stated, but so very true.

The only pressure is the pressure I put on myself and 99% of that pressure is completely unnecessary! I know I am not the fastest runner out there, and I am not running to win, I am running to accomplish my personal goal, no matter what time I cross that finish line. This is something that was so hard for me to see when I ran those two half marathons in years past, and I just feel as though I’m gaining so much clarity in what is compelling me to run and bringing me back to the question of…what is my plan? Do I want to attempt another half? Does it even matter? Do I care? And the answer…I think…is yes, I do. Because I clearly keep going back to that question for a reason.

So when Meaghan asked me what my plan was, coincidentally, when it comes to any planned races, I actually had an answer (sort of). While I’m still working out the specifics in my head, and what I want, or don’t want to do, I do know this: I am determined to do a half marathon to see how I actually finish, since the last two that I’ve run, I let the race get to me, and I choked. I finished, but I choked. I have never ran a half marathon (or any race whatsoever, whether that be a 5K, or a 5 miler or whatever) and run it with success. Yet, I have run many a run with success. And I know I can translate that into an actual race day performance. I just need to separate in my head that it’s a race and that it’s a performance. Because for me, it’s neither of those things. For me, it’s just another run (with oh, anywhere from a few hundred to a few thousand other runners…). Right?

So my faith in running is certainly back….and maybe, just maybe, so is my faith in conquering a race, and more importantly, conquering my fear of what that means. It’s only a race against myself and nobody else.

runspirations...

Because I never thought I was a runner. I am a runner because I run. And I <3 it.

Now, off to continue enjoying this lovely little long weekend up in here! Back atcha tomorrow, enjoy the day my friends!

Things that I’m loving right now…

Enough said. <3 oatmeal with PB and banana, love, love, love

I have no idea how I'm just figuring these out - add them to yogurt, cottage cheese, oatmeal etc, and you'll feel fuller longer. Totally works.

Big-ass salads of the spinach variety (this was with leftover filet from date night with M...sooo effin good).

Thought it wouldn't be strong enough for my tastebuds, but I actually LOVE the new Starbucks blonde roast! I also love a little bit of cinnamon to my coffee lately, so tasty!

Mild Weather! Check out that forecast. It's February in New England, people, it should be in the 20s, at best. I ran in 44 degree weather this morning at 7 am!

“]

New 6 am barre n9ne classes!! I thought it would be hard to get up early on Fridays for the new 6 am class, but two weeks in a row, I LOVE it, especially followed by a rundate! (this pic was from this summer, tan! [Jess, Tanya, me

BOOKED! Mexico at the Playacar Palace in October for Shannon's wedding...cannot.wait.

And finally…I am loving my one-a-day- cat ‘saying’ calendar. today’s quote? “You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense.” <–um, so true. See?

Not.Tense.

Happy weekend friends! I’ll be sorely missing out on this weekend, but will enjoy it virtually, hopefully with a fun little skype ‘clink’ this weekend. Cheers friends, enjoy it!

I’ve been emailing and chatting with a few friends that are going through the dating rollercoaster and all that goes along with it (the second guessing, overthinking, false starts, anxieties and oh yeah, the good stuff too…warm fuzzies, dating isn’t *that* bad…at least, not all of the time. It’s a means to an end!) and this topic sprang to mind as I continue my ‘stories that define me’ series.

And as I read some of my old dating posts from my old blog (and wow, were there many, and some hysterically funny ones too. Perhaps I was a wittier writer with such readily available fodder, huh?! If anyone wants to read them, email me and I’ll send you some links!), some of those memories came flooding back. Some of them were good…the rare good eggs in the bunch that I dated before meeting M, and some notsogood, the many, MANY false starts, one date wonders and the like, but what I remember striking me most, was the connection, and why it matters so much.

And when I say connection, I mean, the emotional connection that makes the physical mean something. Beyond the instant gratification and the exploration of someone new, the connection to that person is truly what makes or breaks it. For me, anyway. It was something I never truly realized until I had my first ‘experience’ after my divorce (how would I ever have even noticed that, being with someone for a decade and prior to that, the only time I was intimate with a man, it was within the confines of a relationship, nothing casual). Sure, it was exciting and in a way, made me feel alive again, but on the other hand, it just felt so…empty.

(as I write this, I hope I don’t come across as having many physical encounters with the men I dated before M. I can count them on less than a hand, let’s say that)

And only once I met M did I realize how much the connection  matters, and how much more emotional and gratifying an experience the physical connection becomes.

So why am I writing this? Because I think one of the things that really cemented it for me, when I knew M was ‘it’ for me, was that physical-to-emotional connection that we had. From the get-go. From the slight touch to the back (which I still absolutely love) walking out of a restaurant, to a hug, to a glance, to a smile. It all ties together. It was there. We shared it, believed it, and cultivated it. From day one.

Unlike anything else I’d experienced, there was no force-fit. There was no compromising on what I envisioned him to be and what he was. There was no settling on any of my dealbreakers and dealmakers. (and my list was truly feasible, not far-fetched!) So no matter how long you’re single, if you’re ‘single long enough’ after your divorce or breakup (whatever the heck that means…it’s truly different for each and every one of us! There’s no rulebook or guideline), when you know…you just do. 

It’s why the connection matters.

The last two weeks’ of this run challenge have included mostly treadmill action (but with one outdoor run last week and two planned for the rest of this week, at least!) and for the love of God, I am so sick of the treadmill.

I know what (some) of you might say. “So, run outside.” I know, I know, I conquered the fear of the cold weather running, but lately, the only time that has been realistic for running has been early morning where there is still not enough daylight for me to feel safe running outside.

Thus, treadmill.

But, let me tell you, those treadmill runs have just felt brutal the last two weeks. Every mile has been a mental push. Every game I try and play to keep my mind off the fact that I am running on the treadmill doesn’t work. See, my games go like this (unsuccessfully, mind you):

“Okay, visualize that route outside that you like to run and just imagine you are outside, smelling fresh air.”

It works for .2 seconds and then my mind goes to “OMG, the treadmill suuuucks, when is it going to be over. This is so boring, I feel like a hamster on a wheel.” 

Or, I try this:

“Okay, it’s probably 3 songs per mile, just listen to some good tunage and think about what each song conjures up for fun!” (usually that means barre n9ne, because half of the songs I listen to are from class!)

And that works for maybe a song. And then I start thinking of the hamster again. 

And finally, I try half music, half  TV, thinking it’ll break up the monotony a bit. But, nope, I just see the little clock on the damn TV and can’t believe it’s only been a minute since my eyes ventured down to take a peek.

Okay, enough bitching about the treadmill. My point is this: while I do call mercy on the treadmill and am going to try my best to get at least 2 of my 4 runs outside in coming weeks (daylight savings is coming up, right?!), I do know for a fact that it is helping my pace. I now run on the treadmill almost exactly M’s normal pace, a pace I couldn’t fathom 12 weeks ago! (6.4-6.5ish once I get nice and warmed up. vs. 5.5 from last winter!) That, to me, is huge. That, coupled with the fact that when I do get to run outside, it somehow feels easier. Not easy as in ‘oh, this is a breeze, easy” but easier as in my legs just move more fluidly. And I enjoy the run so much more than I ever did. (of course, a smidge of that could be just sheer joy at not being on the treadmill, hehe).

And, last but most importantly, I am able to run. I am strong. I am capable. That is so much more than many can say…and for that, I am truly grateful (and that little knee twinge I felt on the treadmill yesterday? I am chalking it up to the treadmill itself…stay tuned, hopefully it’s gone!).

So I am three months into my six-month run challenge and right now? I call success. I am running faster (check). I am running consistently (check). I am running longer (check! 7 mile long runs completed the last two weeks and almost every week of this challenge). And I am keeping up with the intervals (check).

So, yeah, I call mercy on the treadmill, and hope to only use it for two of my four runs a week, but otherwise, I’m feeling pretty damn good about this little challenge I concocted for myself!

And what about you? Report back! Did you conquer something you’re proud of this week? Lemme hear it

**asslap to everyone adding some sweat to their lives, no matter what form it comes in…yoga, running, walking, swimming, kickboxing, barre, you name it, it counts  **

That the detours along the way could have been fewer.

But then something tells me that we found each other at just the right place in our lives.

Now here we are…right on time and so right together.

And I want you to know that I would’ve waited forever for this, for you, for the love of my life.

Took the words right out of my mouth…I love you more today, than yesterday, and always will.

Love, 

M.

~~~

Words couldn’t ring truer when I read that card last night, attached to a bouquet of red roses, Godiva chocolate and the short bathrobe I’ve been wanting…a sweet, beautiful gesture, and words that couldn’t have been more true.

For as much as Valentine’s Day is a ‘Hallmark’ holiday, it is also a chance to reflect on the love in your life, the blessings, those friends and family around you that make life worth living. And for that, I am forever grateful.

(now wish me luck tonight as I concoct my ‘throwndown’ Valentine’s meal for M…and he reciprocates tomorrow night, date night in, style) <3

The other day, M gave me a hug and said, “hug me, really hug me.” I didn’t quite get what he meant, and he said ‘sometimes, you hug me, but you are half doing something else, like putting laundry away or something.” That really struck me. That’s zoning out. It’s not having your head in the game. And while he said it sort of in passing, it’s those moments that really strike me and I learn something. I pick up on the nuances and really take them to heart.

And this weekend? I didn’t zone out. I focused. On us. On him. On each other. We made it a special weekend (in between 6 hours of barre n9ne training over the course of Saturday and Sunday, that is. More on that in a minute…) in Boston. Chose a restaurant we’d never been to, but wanted to try, with a special menu for Valentine’s Day. Last minute, we opted to book a room at the Liberty Hotel (a very cool hotel I’ve been wanting to check out, formerly a jail. Very, very cool place!) and we just took our time that evening. For once, I didn’t feel like I was rushing through the day to get to that moment, and we literally enjoyed every moment together. We had one of those deep conversations we get into when we can really focus on each other and the time spent together. (I am also always struck by these conversations we get into…I love that we have them, and that M’s a thinker by nature…it’s sexy). We spent a couple of hours at the hotel lobby bar, and then mozied on over to the Beacon Hill Bistro and spent another couple of hours enjoying our meal, and each other.

And at the end of the night? I think I fell in love with him all over again. Or that much deeper. It was making that connection that can be sometimes lost in the everyday, or when we allow ourselves to be caught up in the hustle and bustle and not just sit and enjoy. Life doesn’t have a deadline, so why make everyday a mad dash for some phantom deadline?

~~

I’ve also applied this same ‘zoning out’ feeling to barre n9ne and the training process. In a class, it’s sometimes easy to ‘phone it in’ or zone out once you know what move you are going into next. But as an instructor, there is no such thing as zoning out. You gotta be on, you gotta be in the game the entire 60 minutes, no matter what. So why slide into zoning out when I’m not teaching? I should always be focused and in the moment. 

At class on Saturday (which was a special ‘bring your boy to the barre’ class…and let me say, M came and really put his all into the class, I was so impressed. He was dripping with sweat after and has a newfound appreciation for these classes and also for my training for certification!), I focused. Hard. Really listened to the instructor’s words and was moving with intention with each move.

Moving with intention.

Doing with intention.

Intention.

Everything we do should be done this way. No zoning out. No phoning it in. Intent. Focused. Game face. 

Love, life, everything. 

This weekend reminded me to live life with intent, and not to get so caught up in the mundane, the phantom ‘deadlines’ I create for myself. And this…<3

THIS.

So I thought I’d include a few of my latest favorites on this fabulous Friday for a little dose of inspiration, perspective, and hopefully, a smile. Enjoy!

The next time I try to run before I walk, I will remember this one. It will come in handy as barre n9ne training gets heavily underway this weekend!

This one needs zero explanation. Zero.

A universal truth I never would have learned, had I not gotten divorced. I absolutely believe this 100%. Don't settle.

This screams my realization that I used to 'go halfway and then stop.' No more. Commit and you will see results.

Because I never thought I was a runner. I am a runner because I run. And I <3 it.

Failure isn't bad...failure means learning and trying again.

Live a drama-free life. This is my mantra.

I strive for this. The first instinct is to run from the challenge, from living boldly. This is my reminder.

Make time. For you. For love. For friends. And a little more again for you.