We sat down – finally – on Monday night and looked around…pictures on the walls (some still waiting to be hung), two kitties snuggling on our new couch ottoman (the thing is ginormous and I love it!), and looked at each other, and just breathed. Almost an exhale of…we’re home. And it was the first time we had not a thing to do, at that very moment. No packing, no boxes to stare at, waiting to be filled. No logistics to line up. No electric, or cable or phone company to call to schedule installation. No paperwork to sign, fax, mail. Nothing.
Just to sit and….be.
And now, just about a week since we closed on our home, we *are* home. This IS home. I have been walking around grinning like a fool, and every time I walk into our kitchen, I think ‘holy crap, this is OUR kitchen? Are you sure we aren’t just on vacation and have to leave soon?!’. Every time I walk anywhere in the house and realize how far apart things are, how much space we have, I marvel. I think about how far we have come. I think about my first home, too, and how I thought *that* was home…and how very much home has never felt more right than ever. And I look at M’s face and I’ve never seen more pride and joy in his eyes. And he – close to tears – on moving night, happy, joyful, feeling blessed. We are feeling blessed.
This home is our hearts and souls, our lives, our journey. Home is us.
Sometimes, I look over at M and honestly just stop, look, and wonder how on earth I could have possibly met such a wonderful man, a man that as I learn more and more about him in the years that pass, the more deeply I fall in love with him, and the more I thank God for not only him, but for the opportunity to have fallen in love twice in my lifetime.
I wrote about this before, but it came up in a conversation recently…and to this day, I truly do feel so thankful to have loved more than once in my life (and re-reading that post from November 2011, I never would have fathomed that today, we’d be teetering on the edge of home ownership as well as marriage (note: no, that does not imply we are getting married next week too. hee! #tease).
…but then again, I knew our love was everlasting then, and I truly know it now, without a shadow of a doubt, that this love is lifelong, everlasting and the purest love I have ever felt.
His gestures continually blow me away.
…from emailing my grandfather today and wishing him a happy birthday (and referring to him as Mr.[last name]…so formal, yet, in a sense, so…fitting, of his style and modern day chivalry that always makes me swoon) today…
…to taking the time to call my brother in law and wish him a happy birthday (vs. just a text or a Facebook wall post), to making sure to talk to his parents every day, and asking – gently – how his mom is (some health complications etc) and making sure she has the right medications, that the doctors she goes to are giving her the right advice and care…
…to seeking the advice of my mom in some of the house questions we had as we entered this process.
He just…cares. And does. And acts. And doesn’t put his head in the sand <-one of my biggest peeves.
His selflessness…which comes naturally.
…to give me whatever I could ever ask for or need, to never saying no, yet also knowing when the right time *to* say no is.
…to want for us, and our (future/possible) family, to work hard, and harder, to help build a life for us, and make sure his family, and mine, have what we need.
…to even enabling allowing my Lululemon addiction…purely because he knows it makes me happy. (wink)
This man, I just cannot put into words how much I love him, and the magnitude of that sometimes creep in through the smallest gestures and reminders, and makes me want to run into his arms and never let go. (and realizing I don’t ever *have* to let go…that he is mine? is simply priceless.)
I am blessed. And sometimes I just need to write it down. Even though I know it’s a post written purely for *me* and even though I *try* not to write about him as much here these days…there are times where I just can’t help it. I am blessed. I am loved. And I want to shout it from the rooftops.
In the last week or so, we’ve started quietly lifting the covers on some of the details of how we plan to marry, and it’s starting to feel so much more real than it ever has before.
…on my drive to barre n9ne today, I had a vision of how it’ll appear, and I felt as though I was literally glowing from the inside out *just* at the image in my mind of how things will unfold…
…as I shared some details with family members this weekend, and their smiles and approvals and excitement made my heart happy.
…as I stare into M’s eyes and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will be the most amazing husband, and I will do my best to live up to all that *he* is to me.
…gazing at *a dress* that may be ‘it’…enough said.
…choosing rings that will be ours forever.
…and imagining *this time* back when I really couldn’t imagine my life now, at a point where everything had crumbled around me. It truly takes my breath away.
My life – our lives together - is becoming a reality like I never dreamed it, and I couldn’t feel more blessed or alive.
File also under: being vague, but I swear I’ll reveal soon
I posted this on Facebook today: ‘I know something you don’t know…neener, neener!’ #superstitious.
It’s partially why I’ve been all quiet up in here and partially because of the ole writer’s block, in a sense too.
And without (yet) going into detail, this ‘what I know and you don’t’ was just a huge, huge reminder of two things:
never underestimate the people that enter your lives or why…because you truly DO meet every single person for a reason.
and
believe in God’s will and favor and in time – the right time – it will all start to fall into place.
These two truths spoke loud and clear to M and me this week, as we sat on Monday evening, quietly, watching Joel Osteen speak these very words (similar to these), as we held hands, looked at each other, and just…hoped. Hoped for the goodness we so wanted…but in reverse, hoped that the goodness we wanted was also what HE wanted FOR US…but to have the faith to trust that if it was not what He wanted for us right now, it would not happen and we would need to be okay with that, to trust and know that whatever is meant to be, will be.
Well…it looks like God’s plan is yet again at work, and we feel incredibly blessed at the way our lives are playing out together, where it’s leading us, together, united. I will of course share ‘where’ this is leading us soon, but rather than hamper my thoughts on this and set them aside, I just felt the urge to chronicle them here, while in the moment, and feeling the power of Him, so greatly and powerfully.
I honestly feel as though my connection to God is as strong – if not stronger – than it has ever been. My personal relationship with Him, and something that M and I speak of often these days, despite slightly different views (he being Catholic, me being Protestant/Congregational), it is something we both respect and it is yet another reason I fall in love with M more and more each day…his dedication to living a life of good, and leading by example, inspires me to be a better me as well. And it makes me even more excited to call him my husband…whenever that may be
Sometimes I feel as though I am a bit of an oversharer and it has gotten me into trouble in the past.
Trouble, as in mentally.
Talking up a run, or a race (in the distant past!), or something I want to do.
And putting pressure on myself (my own doing!) that I just don’t need.
Trouble, as in emotionally.
Talking about life plans, or M, or changes in life that I may not be quite ready to talk about.
When sometimes, it’s best to share these things *after* they’ve happened, or after you’ve achieved a milestone or accomplished that goal.
Now is one of those times in my life – and M’s life – that I feel the need to be quiet.
To not disclose a lot of the transitions we are going through right now (they’re all good, don’t worry!), to put unnecessary pressure on myself, or on us, to ‘perform’ – if that makes sense. To live our life right now, learn with each other, grow with each other, continue our paths towards faith together, and well…keep it at that. Between us.
(I’m guessing this vagueness may cause some eyebrow raises or questions or emails, but honestly, I just need to keep my life and my brain as uncluttered and as focused as possible right now, and as much as I want to gab on about the goodness, the grace, the will, and the path right now, I just think it’s best saved for the thrill in the surprise when all is said and done. Doesn’t everyone like surprises? I appreciate the respect for privacy and support, nonetheless, however, as always!))
~~
This leads me to faith. I talk about it a lot. I advise it a lot, to my sisters, my family, M, friends, etc.
But when it comes to me latching on and believing in faith? Sometimes I am really bad at believing in faith. In believing that what’s meant to be will be. Trusting that life is happening the way it is meant to.
Today was one of those days.
And as much as I wanted to not get my hopes up, and not let myself believe…it was too late. And when the letdown came, it was hard. I immediately got upset, I got teary, I got frustrated. And M’s first reaction? “That just means God has bigger things in store for us, don’t worry.”
*blink*
What can I even say to that except to feel incredibly blessed to have a man in my life, a man I will be with forever, utter the words I needed to hear at that very minute and for those words to come out of his mouth?
Speechless.
Another example came this weekend, when seeing my grandparents and spending some time together and realizing that while they are both in very good health, my gram at 89 and my gramp at 85, they are…old. And in a sense, it may just be a matter of time, and with life being so fleeting, it just sort of sunk in, that while yes, I am again incredibly blessed to have such healthy grandparents, and such a close relationship with them, it’s far too easy to take that for granted too. And scary to think of the inevitable.
But it just leads back to faith. Being at peace with what life brings us, and takes us, and God’s plan for us all.
That feeling of peace washed over me, as M and I discussed my fears over their health, on our drive home, and again today, with that text I really needed to read.
Sometimes I need a giant rope to help me hang on to faith for dear life, and other times, faith feels as though it surrounds me. Now is a time where my faith may be tested a fair amount, but with the support of a man I can’t thank God enough for, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that that faith will hold strong, Now. And forever.
~~
Pardon my meandering post today, and somewhat vagueness. To some, this may make sense, to others, it may not. But either way, sometimes you just gotta get out what’s on the mind, and tonight’s one of those nights. Cheers, friends.
