Tag Archives: divorce

May14

More than just a graduation.

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More than just a graduation.

This weekend, M graduated. For the fourth (!) and final time. Two bachelor’s degrees, one master’s and now a doctorate later, and M is done, accomplishing something very few ever do, and I couldn’t have been prouder of him walking across that stage getting his degree.

It was the first time I’d truly seen such pride in his face. For once, basking in it, rather than brushing it off, or just going through the motions towards that finish line to get.it.done.

And while I wish I had known him throughout this entire process, seeing him through perhaps the toughest part of his degree, supporting him the best that I possibly could, and throwing him one hell of a party, makes me feel so blessed and fortunate to be a part of his life now, meeting him at such a pivotal time, for him, but also for me.

Because, you see, his graduation day also marked my one year barre n9ne 60 day challenge barre-o-versary. During a weekend of celebration, it was a weekend where I felt as though everything in my life had fallen into place exactly where I wanted, for the very first time. From my life, to my love, to my body.

And when I asked M if he were to make a speech, what he would say, he said ‘I would look around at my friends, my family, and you, and say that three years ago when I started on this journey, I never imagined the people around this table would be around this table today, but I couldn’t be happier.’ 

I couldn’t agree more. 

For him, through a marriage ending in divorce mid-way through his degree, to finding each other, at the exact right time in our lives, and for me, walking into barre n9ne a year ago, never expecting to experience a complete and utter transformation from mind, body, and soul, just as I feel the last three years of my life, in parallel to M’s has been. Full of complete change, struggle, sadness and pain, to strength, confidence, happiness and love.

This weekend, it was more than a graduation. It was the culmination of the last three years of our lives, so gently meeting at the same intersection, together. As it were meant to be. 

And if this picture doesn’t capture the essence of the weekend, and this culmination, I don’t know what does. As a friend on Facebook noted,: ‘you’ll look so content and happy and totally blissed out.” And she was right. <3

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I don’t normally cross-post to M’s blog, but he wrote a post that made me speechless. It really speaks to his journey from here until now, and if you have the time, please give it a read. Congratulations, love, you are amazing.

~~

As for the 60 day challenge barre-o-versary, there is more to come, including a before and after picture. But this post just felt like the essence of what I was feeling and thus, the before and after can wait ;-)

Apr11

On marriage: more than ‘just’ a piece of paper

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On marriage: more than ‘just’ a piece of paper

**The fourth in my mini-series on marriage. I am exploring why I want it (or trying to), what goes into a successful marriage, and snippets of conversations M and I have had on this very topic**

Marriage is more than ‘just’ a piece of paper.

For those of you that didn’t know me when I was married, for me to say this now and truly believe it…telling.

Because when I got married, I don’t think I truly believed in marriage and what it stands for. I saw it more as a formality, as the next ‘logical’ step in our (then) 7-year relationship. I pish-poshed the rituals of the engagement party, bridal shower, the whole nine yards wedding. I got married with none of my family or friends nearby. When we said our vows overlooking the waters of Kauai, I distinctly remember thinking ‘I should be more emotional. I should be crying. Or something. This should feel different. And powerful. And ‘us.’ But instead? It felt lonely (as I’ve said before). And it did feel like ‘just’ a piece of paper afterwards. We were happy, but we weren’t any *more* happy because we were married (not that I think that it’s like a light switch, suddenly your now-marriage is perfect puppies and rainbows, but there is something to be said for the ‘honeymoon period’ for a reason, right?!).

As these words flow from my fingertips…I am actually surprised at what I’m revealing. And the revelations I am uncovering through this post and this series, overall. I think my disbelief in marriage and what it stands for was one of several underlying reasons why our marriage ultimately failed. Because my ex-husband had this very same view…marriage is ‘just’ a piece of paper.

But now? I think in order for marriage to succeed, both have to believe that there is a reason to get married. That it’s not just a ‘logical’ step. That we want to publicly commit to each other (hopefully) for a lifetime. And put in the commitment necessary to make it succeed. Now, I am not saying that I suddenly ‘believe’ in the big white puffy dress fairy tale that so many do as they grow up, but I do know this: if/when M and I marry, we will be surrounded by our close family. Where/when/how/what is still up for debate, but making this commitment with our families there is important to me. For the very first time.

Because, it’s not just a piece of paper anymore. It’s purposeful. It is filled with intent. And it is a commitment I am ready to make. When the time comes.

~~~

For now, this is the end of my ‘on marriage’ series, though there may be more of these down the road…ya know, when the time comes (wink). Writing this series has been an incredibly eye-opening experience for me. Because with each topic that comes to mind, I actually have had no idea what I was going to write, until I wrote it. Free-flowing. Stream of conscious. I urge you…if there is something you are trying to work through, like me, and my thoughts on marriage and what I want it to look like, write it out. It truly makes it all come together.

Feb28

My why.

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My why.

One of Tina’s posts recently got me thinking about why I do what I do. Why I consider myself somewhat of an overachiever, why I feel like I always want to make goals and continuously work on self-improvement, both physically and mentally. It boils down to…

My Why.

Knowing the why behind what I do is what motivates me.

But also knowing how I feel after I accomplish something is what motivates me. Beyond the why. It’s the how.

Knowing how I feel after I’ve reached a goal, or observed self-improvement, whether it be a physical improvement (my run challenge, for example) or a mental one (my recent work trip that took me out of my comfort zone) or even a quasi-mental and physical one (training to be barre n9ne certified!). It all comes back to knowing who I am and what works for me in terms of change, growth and challenging myself.

But why do I do it? Why do I constantly challenge myself? Because it is truly what I am passionate about. When it comes to physical challenges and fitness, I love how I feel after I have sweated through a workout. Or realized that my flexibility is improving through begrudgingly stretching 1-2 times a day. Or finding my a-ha moment when it comes to mind-body connection during a particular ab exercise.

And the eating? I’ve honestly never felt better than when I eat for fuel rather than for fun. Eating is still fun for me – a-ha – but in a different way. Rather than eating a huge piece of cake and while sure, that may taste good, I would argue that a Dove ‘promises’ chocolate tastes just as good, if not better, with a cup of tea, coffee or yes, even a glass of wine. I’d much prefer a glass of wine and a piece of chocolate over a piece of cake. It might be a trade-off to some, to pass up the cake, but I know me. And I know my body. And I know that I will feel better and just as, if not more, satisfied with that combination. (On the flip-side of that, I am still learning to balance watching what I eat, and choosing healthy options over having days where I just want to throw caution to the wind and eat and drink more than normal. It’s a struggle, I won’t lie, sometimes. More on that later…)

And finally, the mental challenges. I consider myself somewhat of an overachiever…not a surprise, I am sure. But this overachiever status really came to light in the last few years. As I was forced to face things that scared me, that I wanted to run from, but that I had to conquer just by nature of what it was. Divorce. Something that wasn’t my choice. That pushed me out of my comfort zone. But it was also what started to teach me things I never thought I’d face or want to willingly face, either. And ever since that time, it’s like I’ve made a deal with myself. To never settle. To never slide into complacency.

My why.

…To challenge myself. Not for sake of challenging myself, but for betterment and learning.

…To focus on being the best ‘me’ I can be. Mentally, physically, emotionally. A better sister, lover, daughter, aunt, friend. 

…To maintain the life that I have built for myself. Not settling. Not sliding into complacency. Not doing to do or eating to eat. Doing with intention and purpose.

…To love myself, with flaws and with areas I struggle with. And know that facing my weaknesses will only make me stronger.

…My why. 

What is your ‘why?‘ (thank you Tina, for such an inspiring and thought-provoking post!)

Feb27

Stories that Define Me: On being ‘alone’ vs. being lonely.

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Stories that Define Me: On being ‘alone’ vs. being lonely.

*This is the sixth in my mini-series on stories of my past that define me. I’ll write these periodically, as the ideas flow. Enjoy.*

***

I wrote this post for Emma over at Divorced Before 30 a few months ago…but for some reason, feel compelled to repost it here, as a story that has defined me. Because I don’t think there is a day that goes by where I don’t embrace being alone, to some extent, and look back at where embracing this came from. As I near closer and closer to three years since my divorce began, I can’t help but continue reflecting on how it has shaped me and how I still learn from that time, every single day.

(and to be honest, this distinction between being alone and being lonely doesn’t *just* apply to those that are divorced, I think it’s one of those universal truths that we all need to embrace…embrace being alone. Celebrate it. Truly appreciate it.)

***

Being Alone vs. Lonely

One of the biggest things I learned as I went through my separation and divorce was the difference between being alone and being lonely.

I found that as much as I feared being lonely, I was more afraid of being alone, and for how long I might theoretically be alone before finding love again. I remember how often my mind would just want to skip and jump ahead to the part where I was no longer alone and no longer hurting. To the part about being in love and looking back on the ‘bad’ as a distant memory.

It is the ‘fast forwarding’ in my brain to ‘the good parts’ that I think was more detrimental than actually just accepting my situation for what it was. 29. Divorcing. Short selling my home. Starting over…alone.…and, yes, from scratch, in just about every way possible, but the difference being seeing that as a positive. A mindset shift. Seeing my situation as an opportunity to shape my destiny, and who I wanted to be after all is said and done.

And truth is, had I not experienced being alone, I would never have learned how to be comfortable with being alone, not to mention actually embrace it. And embrace it I soon learned to do!

Settling into my very first apartment, living alone, also for the first time in my life…I remember looking around and realizing, wow, everything in this apartment? Is MINE. And ONLY mine. There is a huge sense of pride in that feeling, and to this day, I look back on that time in my life and am so proud of myself, for learning to live by myself, sleep alone (a scary thing to me previously!) and do things by myself. But that soon became empowering, and fun, and a way to step out of my comfort zone and push myself. Because every time I did that, gotuncomfortable, I learned. I stretched. I grew.

And being alone, doing things alone and experiencing that? I never once felt lonely. Because I had learned to embrace being alone and saw it differently than being lonely. To me, lonliness can be more easily rectified than being alone.  And if you are afraid to be alone, I firmly believe you somehow are more closed (than you think!) to those around you, potential mates and friends, even.

You gotta be comfortable with being alone in order to truly open yourself up to what you may want most…love and companionship. Once I truly embraced and loved being alone? I met M. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So, I challenge you…separate being ‘alone’ and being ‘lonely.’ Get comfortable with being alone. You’ll be surprised at what you learn.

EMBRACE it.

Jan19

Throwbacks: Selling my home.

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Throwbacks: Selling my home.

I haven’t written a ‘throwbacks’ post in awhile, but was prompted to last night when I came across an email from my old real estate agent. I’ll get back to the significance of that email in a minute, but first, the story of selling my (marital) home.

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When I went through my divorce, selling our home was one of the biggest stumbling blocks that stalled the process more than anything and was one of the hardest parts to swallow, because not only was my life being turned completely upside down, my home was soon going to be taken away from me too, leaving me with nothing but a blank slate (in hindsight, of course, having a blank slate and starting fresh elsewhere was the best and fastest way for me to heal, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t an extremely hard decision).

The process itself was completely eye-opening, because navigating the mortgage waters put me in an utter tailspin. I had no idea where to start. I didn’t know if we could even keep the house, if we tried. And tried, we did. Attempted to refinance it so the mortgage might be feasibly affordable for one of us to maintain. Fail. We had an 80/20 mortgage (which mortgage companies now no longer do), which meant 80% on one mortgage and 20% on the other (to avoid PMI), and neither mortgage company was willing to consolidate into the other and neither would refinance since we – surprise, surprise – had little equity in the house since buying it 3 years prior.

Once we realized that there would be no way either of us could afford to keep the house, we shifted towards selling. Another tough pill to swallow, because at the time, I was hell-bent on staying in that house. We’d both put so much time, money and effort into it, and I loved it, from the yard, to the pool, to the home gym I’d created.  Home appraisal came back and when I opened it up, I almost passed out. Since buying in 2005 (now, in 2008), the house had depreciated by almost $100K. $100K. Yup.

What’s next? Short sale. Short sales were, at the time, just becoming more commonplace for all of those people that bought at the height of the market, when prices were high, but interest rates were (relatively) low. It felt like a scarlet letter to me, though, because I always equated short sale homes to beat-up, abandoned homes for some reason. But ours? Was beautiful. Brand new remodeled bathroom to the 9s (for 5 figures, no less. gulp. that would bite us), new roof, floors redone, walls redone, basement floor retiled (it was a finished basement)  and the list goes on. In those 3 years, we’d put about $40,000 into it, upping the loss that would come.  I utterly hated the idea at first, and as I’ve mentioned in prior throwbacks on the end of my marriage, this was one of our biggest fights…to sell, or to try and fight for it. We eventually agreed to sell, no matter how badly it would hurt our credit, no matter how low the price.

And the price…was low. Less than HALF of what we paid, and completely obliterating that $40,000 we’d invested into it, to boot. THAT hurt. THAT was hard to swallow. Especially as the mortgage companies ordered us to pay $12,000 at closing in order for them to wipe the debt clean (where we wouldn’t be taxed on the loss, but our credits would nose-dive). Ouch. And back to the part about the email from my old real estate agent? When we closed on our house, our agent, to his credit, got us a buyer faster than I ever thought possible, but how? He was an investor. Rolled up in his nice shiny Benz, dressed to the 9s. And we were literally handing our home over to him for pennies on the dollar.

That real estate agent is this man…now starring in a show on A&E called ‘Flipping Boston’ (on the left)…he’s profiting from his smarmy ability to short sell homes and flipping them, to boot. I had my reservations that he was tied in to the investor he sold to, and that he would profit, personally, from our short sale, but this confirmed it, to me. Reading that email last night…and my blood boiled. It brought all of those feelings back, the pain, frustration, anger and sadness.

But, then, once I ranted a little bit to M, and to my sisters, I realized something. It wasn’t worth it. Fighting for the house wouldn’t have been worth it for a number of financial reasons, but also? Why would I have wanted to fight for a home that was akin to the shell of my marriage? Why would I want that shell hovering over me day in and out? I wouldn’t. 

And as M hugged me tight, and told me that we will have a bigger, better, and more soundly-invested home in the future…together? All of that anger and frustration melted away…into the most perfect evening together. Everything truly happens for a reason…even if it may not seem like it at the time, it truly does. And this was just another reminder of just that. And I am firmly planted where I am meant to be.