Determined. To Be…

…a runner, a sister, a lover…living a fit and happy life.

Tag Archives: learning


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On quietness and being.

Welp, the minute I sit down to finally write a post, I write it and it dissapears :/

It’s been two weeks since the move.

It’s been two weeks (almost) since my last post (!).

It’s been a blur of a two weeks. A blur of a few months. And I am trying my damnest to simplify, to be, to enjoy these special moments, this special time in my life.

But I just wish I had more hours in the day. I feel settled…yet not settled, because there’s never enough time. (if that makes any sense). And I start to get frustrated with myself. Like this morning, thinking of the week and weekend ahead and all I want to do. And then I read this, from Joel Osteen:

So many people today find themselves caught up in the day-to-day busyness of life, driven to do more in less time. It seems people constantly strive to find ways to cram more into their already overcrowded schedules. But at the same time, God is constantly inviting us to step away from the hectic pace of life and come to Him to find rest for our souls. He invites us to be still before Him, to get quiet so we can hear His voice and set our hearts and minds at peace.

As much as I try to de-crowd, it’s still crowded. I need to prioritize even more. I need to let come to the surface the big things, not the ‘obligations’ or things I feel like I HAVE to do, and just do those that are important to do. And to embrace the chaos right now, as I am surrounded by the family and friends that would go to the ends of the earth and back for me (and vice versa) and a man that I love from the bottom of my heart, and to the tips of my toes. A man I cannot wait to marry and see where our lives take us, together, united.

And for now, I am going to do my best to juggle the two jobs I am doing as my boss is on maternity leave (great timing with moving too, right? #sarcasm), and use this as an opportunity to grow, and learn, and practice simplifying in my job as well, focusing on the big tasks, and not worrying SO much about the little. Staying in GSD mode and tackling the challenge <–that is my daily pep talk to myself!

…sorry for such a rambling post, but it’s what’s swirling right now, and what I need to really focus on. I have a feeling I am not the only one who needs this, and this reminder. So, friends, simplify, quiet yourself, and just be…it’s worth the challenge.

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Run-imations: run-volutions.

I haven’t done a ‘run-imnations’ (ruminations – get it, I’m so punny…) post in awhile and on the last handful of runs I’ve had, I’ve really thought about my ‘run-volution’ of sorts over the past few months in particular.

Coming back from a bit of an ITBS injury that kept me not running for almost two months and slowly coming back into my regular runs (3-4 days a week), I am amazed at how differently I run now. Not only physically run, but mentally, too.

It’s no secret that I am a mental runner. I am almost always fighting being too in-my-head, fearing a bad run, stressing over steady breathing, a side cramp, anything that would inhibit a good run.

But now?

If I start to head down that path, I ask myself “are my legs ok?” The answer is almost ALWAYS ‘yes.’ And it’s mental. My legs feel happy, strong, NOT tired, so why am I worrying?

Run on.

I used to mentally add up how many miles I was running per week and aim for XX miles, adding too much emphasis and importance on a number than just having a good run.

But now?

I don’t run in miles. I run in minutes. (a la Lindsay, who does this oh so well and inspiring!) And I run happily whether it’s 30 minutes, 45, an hour, or more.

Run on.

I used to panic when I start breathing weird, or just struggle with breathing, depending on the air conditions (too cold, or too humid are typically my vices!) and get mad if I needed to walk it out.

But now?

I will stop and walk a few minutes to even out my breathing and – this is the key – not label the run bad because I had to stop. M is constantly reminding me of this when I try to call a run bad if I stop and walk it off, and tell me that we are ‘just running’ – it’s okay if we stop, we are just enjoying the run and the time together. Yes, yes, he is so right. Every time I try to venture down that path. (side note: M truly IS my run-sherpa and lately, I have realized that more and more, I am so grateful that we do almost all of our runs together each week, it truly is a special time and I adore every minute of it!)

Run on.

I used to want to ‘run happy’ and actually BE happy when I was running. And more often than not, I’d find myself in my head, struggling, breathing wrong and well…unhappy.

But now?

I run happy almost always because I am SO happy to be running, to not be sidelined with an injury, and now, to be running outside, fresh air, working hard with that ‘legs feeling worked’ oh so good feeling, and sweat dripping down my face. THAT is happy running.

And it is something that I don’t think I ever truly achieved before I couldn’t run.

It’s amazing what an injury can do, no matter how big or small that injury or recovery is.

And today, as M and I finished our run and I almost run into someone running in our direction – because I was SO letting go and just running, I didn’t even notice – that never would have happened before!! – I thought ‘that was a tough run’ but instead of a frown, I was smiling. A tough, but GOOD run. A happy run.

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On beauty and self image.

While it is far beyond National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (March 1), I tucked away an idea for a post after reading a few beautiful posts (Lindsay and Christine both struck me in particular, and Tina too!) on letters to your body and what makes you beautiful *beyond* what’s on the outside.

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Well, I’d like to do a twist on this, because while I have never had an eating disorder (fortunate/blessed not to), I have had a long history struggling with body and self image. While the past two years in particular, have been a huge journey in counteracting that, physically and mentally, I find myself sliding into days or even chronic days of picking myself apart. And I am honestly ashamed of it, and even worse, of admitting it, to myself, and to you all here.

Because so much of it is baseless. Because so much of it is ‘in my head.’ Because so much of it is pointless.

It’s sort of like worrying…it’ll give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere. 

What finally got me? This video. This video from Dove is absolutely stunning. It brought me to tears. And it made me realize that we certainly see ourselves vastly differently than anyone else does. The beautiful words people in this video chose to use to describe the person being drawn. And the expression on that person’s face, the more she heard those words being said about them. Happiness. Emotion. And finally? Realization that they had been describing themselves with negative words, not positive attributes.

 

It’s what I have caught myself doing more than I’d like. And I need to get back to seeing myself the way others do. And valuing myself for who I am – determined, strong, happy, funny.

I need to appreciate myself for who I am, and not who I am not, and love me for me, flaws and all. Because the flaws I see? I can guarantee only I see.

I am beautiful. And I won’t apologize to myself for saying that even though it makes me uncomfortable (and goes back to compliments and being my own best friend). And I will believe it. In every way, not every waybutwithcaveats (I am strong. *Not* I am strong…but she is ripped!)

Self – it is time to cut the sh*t. You. Are. Beautiful. Inside. Outside. Embrace you for all that you are…..for ALL that you ARE.

 


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There’s been a lot of livin’ in those years.

The other day, I was chatting with a few barre n9ne clients after class, about buying a house, and getting married, and mentioned that I had been a homeowner before, years ago, and had to short sell my house, but this is the first time M is going to be a homeowner. Oh and this is the second marriage for me, and for M. And oh, by the way, we are both *only* 33.

As I said those words, and they remarked that I didn’t *look* 33 (why thank you, lol), I thought to myself. Huh. We’ve done a lot in 33 years, the two of us, haven’t we? So many big ‘life events’ yet, we are *only* 33.

2d04c3725130d6be2dcfab65cde40d27I walked to my car and thought about it even more…and ya know what? There’s been a lot of livin’ in those years. 

And as I read this guest post that I wrote for Healthy Chicks, I thought about it even more…we’ve lived a lot in our years, haven’t we??
I’ve remarked on this before that while of course nobody *wants* to get divorced, or take a (huge) loss on a house they purchased, I actually feel pretty fortunate to have experienced those things. Marriage. Home buying. And even divorce and selling that house for basically pennies on the dollar for what we paid for it.
As M and I take one step closer each day towards marriage, and buying our first home together, I just feel as though my life, every single step of it, has been so ridiculously intentional, with so many lessons meant to be learned, that my heart feels as though it might burst with love, happiness, and gratitude. n’t regret those decisions. Fortunate because I am truly a better person, a stronger, happier, more confident person. And fortunate because so many in life may not have had the joy of marriage, or buying a home. And I never want to look at those experiences as negative or a black mark in my history book.

I just want to soak in every minute, even the stressful and chaotic ones, and think about my life the way it has been laid out for me to live. There’s been a lot of livin’ in those years…and so much *more* to be lived.

Embrace it.

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a FULL life.

Right now, my life feels so FULL.

In SO MANY good ways. SO many.

And I will NEVER lose sight of that, or how blessed I am <–just in case it wasn’t clear already by my gushy posts of late ;-)

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But right now, when I say full, I mean, full, like WHOA, full. 

As in, somuchhappeninginthenexttwomonthswhatshouldidofirst….full.

Let’s just lay it out there so you can see what I mean, mmk?

4/20: POUND training! This is going to be super fabulous new class at barre n9ne, and I cannot wait to spend the day training for it, but it also means more work gearing up to learn, learn, learn before we launch!

4/25-4/28: Napa! A little jaunt to Napa with M, as he has a work conference to attend and *twist my arm* – any trip to wine country and I am THERE. It will be so fun to explore Napa  a bit together as we have typically stuck to Sonoma Valley/Healdsburg in years past, and a little trip away is good timing for a few days away from it all.

4/28-5/1: From Napa, we fly to LA and head up to my company where I will work Monday and Tuesday and FINALLY, after two years, get to show M where I work, meet some co-workers and show him around. AND to have him WITH me on  a ‘work trip’ is so awesome,  especially as it just so happens THIS girl and her sister will be in Long Beach the same weekend and we can finally all meet up (my second time meeting Heather, but my first meeting her fabulous sister!!).

5/7-5/9: Vegas. Yep, criss-crossing the country within LESS than a week to go to a conference for work. Erghh. Everyone thinks Vegas is awesome to go to for a work trip, but since I legit will be seeing the inside of an expo hall at Mandalay Bay for all of 36 hours, and then stepping into a cab and heading to the airport, I find it a titch difficult in seeing the glamour of it all. But I digress. It’s part of the gig and given I really DO like my job, I will go it, shift my focus and enjoy what I can, right??

5/30: We CLOSE on our house!! Yessss!! (and move two days later, June 1). BUT, approximately the same week? My boss goes on maternity leave for 12 weeks and that leaves ME with a shitton more to do covering for her and me for those months. Impeccable timing. Not. (once again, I will shift my focus, I will look at this as a huge learning opportunity once again, as this was why I was hired two years ago, to cover her leave, and step it up…so this time around should *hopefully* be a little less chaotic since I know what I am doing at this company now…for the most part…)

6/17: Fly BACK to LA/Costa Mesa for another work trip. Um yeahhhh. That’s like 6 criss-crosses across the country in less about a month and a half. Shift, shift, shift…

There you have it. My life? She be FULL. VERY full. So my plan to get ahead of the chaos is putting a moratorium on plans on weekends where I can in order to simplify my life as I head into one of the more hectic times of my life, and one of the most exciting, all at the very same time. 

season

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