Determined. To Be…

…a runner, a sister, a lover…living a fit and happy life.

Tag Archives: living with M


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FEF: 5 things I won’t miss about moving.

It’s FEF this week, folks (finally effing Friday, for those that haven’t read these funny posts before. Hehe). And on this gorgeous Friday morning, where honestly, the week treated me pretty well (totally embracing being home this week since I was initially supposed to travel to Vegas for all of a hot second, but that got canceled, yay!).

But as we collect boxes and begin getting serious (in mode: GSD aka get sh*t done!) about packing for our move that is just about 3 weeks away (wheeee! ahhhhh! yayyyy!), it occurred to me there there are a few things I won’t miss about moving for this apartment that we’ve lived in together for almost two years.

I won’t miss, um, moving. No, really, I won’t. I’ve moved four times in the last four years and I am all SET with moving right about now. From the boxes, to the upheaval to routine, to the mess that just naturally comes with moving (sh*t everywhere, trying to figure out what to keep, what to toss, and what to pack and when to pack WHAT). This move, though, signifies more than just the end of this streak of constant moving, but the start of where our story continues, and in that sense? I am embracing moving and all the sh*t that entails as much as possible.

I won’t miss lugging groceries up three flights of stairs. It never fails – I go to the store for ‘two things’ and come home with 5 bags, and 5 heavy bags at that (including a whole watermelon, kabocha squash, two seltzers and a bunch of cat food) and naturally want to carry all of that, plus my giant iced coffee in one trip. I attempt it, swear at myself as the bags dig into my arms as I teeter up the stairs trying not to drop anything, then try to unlock the door without putting anything down (why I can’t just put the bags down, I have no idea…or make two freaking trips up the stairs!), struggle to unlock the door, half unlock it, doesn’t open, and then have to try again, all whilst swearing at myself and hoping no bag breaks and my coffee doesn’t spill everywhere, only to drag everything into the hallway, where one bag proceeds to break (thankfully just the bag broke, and it didn’t include any seltzer that would then splatter everywhere!).  I typically tend to ‘time’ grocery shopping trips for when M will begrudging go with me, and then *he* tries to be the groceries hero and bring about 20 bags up those three flights of stairs. Nothing short of comical….and sweaty, every.single.time.

I won’t miss paying rent. When I first moved into an apartment, it was my first apartment ever. I had lived at college, but moved home after, and then moved right into a house when I got married the first time (I feel fortunate that I was able to do that – not live in apartments for the last 10ish years!). So this was my first experience paying rent and that feeling of ‘oh, this money is going nowehere’ feeling every single month, vs. a mortgage, where you are at least paying FOR something you get to ultimately keep ;-)

I won’t miss our tiny pantry. While I admit that this is the first time I have HAD a pantry, it’s almost useless as it is super narrow, and horribly organized (if you can even call it organized). I probably say this because I eye the big walk-in pantry we will have at our new house and will soon become wayyyyy too used to having it. (I admit that will feel super spoiling!)

I won’t miss highway noise. Our complex is set against a golf course, which is quite pretty, but behind that is a major highway. I don’t mind a little road noise, I find it comforting, in a way, but with all the windows open in the spring and summer, it is almost ALL you can hear, especially at night. Nothing more romantic, or awakening, too, than a loud Mac truck rumbling down the highway at 2 am ;-)

This post is really meant to be funny, more than anything, and in jest, as honestly, this apartment has treated us very well over the years. You notice I did not say noisy neighbors, annoying complex management or random fees etc., because there just hasn’t been any issues while living here. It’s been quiet, private and really the best ‘next step’ towards a house  that we could ask for. It’ll be surreal to move and leave this home, but at the same time? So very exciting, I can hardly contain myself. Blessed.

Cheers friends, happy weekend.


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Holiday traditions anew.

Last Christmas, our first Christmas living together, we cobbled together our decorations from our past (those I’d purchased at random when I lived alone, on my little “Charlie Brown”-esque Christmas tree, his from the first Christmas we were together, that I forced him to buy, so he’d have a tree decorated at his apartment) and put up a half-leaning tree (we discovered we lost one of the legs to the stand of his, in the move, so thus it leaned, half-haphazardly against the wall, so klassy) and a random assortment of decorations. Needless to say, it looked okay, but not well-put together and was just enough to get us through the holiday with a little glitter and festivity.

This year, I decided we needed to start anew. Start from scratch. Buy a bigger, better tree (not the lame tree we accidentally purchased…), buy coordinating ornaments, and a few

personal ones. And, almost most importantly, new stockings that we could hang from our mantle (I ALWAYS wanted to have a mantle to do that, it just looks so pretty!). So, last night, on our mid-week date night in, we put together our newer, bigger, and better tree (that M so kindly got exchanged at Target, despite not having a receipt!), placed our new coordinating ornaments up (silver, white and blue), and a few fun ones, including a glittery ’2012′ and a couple of martini glasses (I am still on the hunt for a couple of wine glass ornaments, those are a must!), and – begrudgingly – placed the scary looking Nutcracker M insisted on buying, on our countertop.

After, there we sat…we listened to Christmas music, we drank some wine, watched the fire glow from the fireplace, and everything looked so…perfect. Sparkly, glowing, warm, and festive. We talked about our marriage plans, we talked about BEING married. And just sat there….settled.

Holiday traditions anew…and it feels like the culmination of a magical year for me, for him, and for us together. Feeling incredibly blessed.

 


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So, about that blog post.

I had this fabulous blog post all ready to go, really, I did. All about how M and I are starting traditions anew and building our new Christmas decorations from scratch. But then, upon excitedly opening the box of the new 7 ft. tree we got this weekend, I realized it was in fact, the wrong tree. It was instead, two smaller, 3 ft. trees with lame fake holly and pine cones on them.

Ummm, no.

So after I had my ‘princess’ whiny moment, things turned a little hysterical. And ya know, it may have just been funny to us, but I figured I would share, in case anyone has silly senses of humor like we do (akin to ‘conversations with M‘) ;-)

~~

One of my cats was sprawled in front of the fireplace. M decides to crawl down next to her, on hands and knees, sort of like a cat (if that makes sense).

She gets startled, looks at him, and gets up.

Me: I think they get weirded out when we ‘walk like a cat’ at their level next to them, for some reason.

(pause)

M: Well, I’d get weirded out too, if all of a sudden, they started walking upright on two feet!

Me: bwahhahahahha.

**I really hope someone finds these funny, or I am literally just writing this for my own amusement. Call it slaphappy Tuesday?! **

~~

My favorite commercial comes on TV. The one with Danny DeVito (I can’t even remember what the commercial is for!). He says “You’re supermodels?! What do you model?! HANDS?”

Me: bwahahahahaha.

(cracks me up. every single time.)

~~

Later that night, readying for bed.

M: what time do you want to get up tomorrow?

Me: I dunno. 6:30? (note: this is the only morning we can ‘sleep in’ during the week, so 6:30 feels utterly glorious!)

M: Snickers. Because we’re 75 and need 10 hours of sleep.

Me: bwahahahaha. (yes, we did go to bed at 9:30 last night!)

M: You’ve ruined me, ya know. I used to be able to go to bed at like, 5 am and get up at 6 am and work a full day, absolutely fine. Now, I can barely tear myself out of bed after 8 hours!

(I don’t know why, but I am proud of that LOL)

~~

So, there you have it. Random funny moments that I hope others find funny, because they still amuse me. And they make me realize even more how much I love him. He makes me laugh. Hysterically. He puts up with my whiny princess moments. He rolls with the punches WAY more easily than me. He centers me. He grounds me. And I sure hope I do some of these things for him too. But gosh darnit, at least I get him to sleep 8 hours a night. That’s something…right?!

;-)


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On the topic of marriage.

I’ve been debating a new mini-series on my blog. On the topic of marriage. For some reason, lately (as in, the last couple of months), I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage (and this recent engagement of the most lovely couple ever continues to spark my thinking!), . Like, a very lot. Sometimes even daily. I wonder when M will propose…and sometimes even *if* he will propose. I wonder why I have such a pull towards it (lately). I wonder why I’m so stuck on it. And I wonder why I *want* to get married, ideally, in the next year.

Why, why, why?

Why does it matter?

For those of you that really know me…you know weddings and all the ‘stuff’ around it is really not my style. So to be thinking this much about marriage and everything just feels so different for me, anyway. Foreign, almost. And when talking to my sister Jess about it this week, she asked me this question:

“Why do you want to get married…why do you want him to propose this year? Does it really matter?”

And honestly, at first, I was stumped. Speechless. Had no idea what my answer was.

I just…do. I feel as though we both clearly know we are meant for each other, we are so perfectly matched in every possible way, without a shadow of a doubt, he is the man I want to be my husband.  And maybe that’s enough of an answer. Maybe it just means I am ready.

And maybe a part of me feels as though we are just slightly incomplete without being married. One of the biggest things I missed about being married was the completeness of it, the safety, the unity of it. And I no longer feel like we are still learning each other, that we are still ‘getting to know’ we each other wants, in each other, in a marriage, as (future) possible parents, in a life…together. I know exactly what he wants. He knows exactly what I want. And it’s the same damn thing. So what’s stopping us from making it happen? 

And a small part of me feels like it is validation…and this is the one that really confuses me. Last night, for some reason, a wave of worry flooded over me. I wondered if perhaps living with me and seeing my ‘true colors’ had started to drive M away. That seeing that I can be moody, that I am uber picky about tidiness and what I eat etc., were driving him away from me, not towards me. After a long conversation, where M assuaged my fears and told me that he loves me more every day just a little bit more than the day prior (swoon…), I felt the connection and validation again. The validation I was searching for. But. Why do I still feel that getting engaged and married is the validation I really need and want? (and do I need it or do I just want it? And does it matter if I want it more than *need* it?)

(can you see how my mind is going in a zillion directions and just won’t settle?!)

So maybe I need to explore my thoughts on marriage. On why I want it. On what it signifies. On what I want out of it. Because I sure as hell didn’t know what I wanted out of it the first time, when I really dig deep and look at it. I just simply didn’t. And the last thing I’d want to do going into another marriage (if/when <–see, there I go again! doubting!), is to go into it not knowing what I want it to look like.

Love like this may come once
Baby it’s fate like a soul mate
He’s your penguin…

And in the end, you’ll have your best friend.


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Letting go.

I have always struggled with this. Letting go. 

I think it’s been the root of my anxiety and overthinking ways (of the past!) and the inhibitor to growth and adjusting to change, in some capacity.

When I moved in with M in August, I started to let go a little bit. It took time, and it was frustrating, but I’ve let go of things like a spare dish in the sink, socks on the floor, whatever it may be, and have accepted that we are different people with different habits and allowing the house to not look as perfect as I’d like sometimes is perfectly okay. I used to get so anxious about it (moreso in my past apartment) in keeping it in tip top shape all the time and sticking to my once a week top to bottom cleaning, and while I do strive for a clean and tidy place now, I’ve realized that a few socks or papers laying on the table won’t kill me.

Learning to let go in this capacity has actually really helped me let go in other ways, too. Like with my routine and my workouts. I am better at adjusting my workouts to the conditions around me (as evidenced by last week’s workouts) and working out smarter, not harder, and the biggest one? Running. Letting go and not being so anxious or nervous prior to starting a run has done wonders for me.

For example, yesterday, M and I decided on a mid-day outdoor run. It was relatively mild (so I thought), and the route we chose would be solid, mostly downhill (so I thought). It ended up being a lot hillier on the way back than I remembered (funny how when you run the opposite way down a street, you never notice all those rolling hills…since they were subtly downhill the other way!), a lot windier, and colder (I didn’t wear my headband because I thought it was warm enough. Fail. Frozen ears). But instead of panicking or letting my breathing get out of control, we paced ourselves, slowed when we needed to and maintained a pretty steady pace. I don’t think I could or would have been able to do that before I started practicing this thing called ‘letting go.’

I have also learned that letting go means not comparing and not tearing myself down mentally, either. These will always be areas I need to work on, sometimes everyday, even, but instead of allowing fear to drive me or even competitiveness, to an extent, I am becoming more and more content with the me that I am, regardless of what others might think or assume about me, my relationship or my actions. That’s been huge for me.

The barre n9ne 60 day challenge has been, by far, one of the biggest tests for me in terms of letting go. It sounds like an oxymoron, in a sense, since this challenge has been all about focus, determination, dedication and being relatively strict with my eating and workout habits, but it has also meant throwing the rules out of the window and dedicating myself, mind, body and soul to this approach. It was really scary at first. It went against much of what I’d done in the past. But now? I can’t even fathom anything different. I can’t even fathom a better approach for me. One that works. From the eating habits and food log to the style of workout, to the combination with running that has been my special sauce. Letting go and not ‘going halfway and then stopping‘ has proved to me that dedication and hard work are, quite simply, all you need.

There are areas that I still have plenty of work to do in terms of letting go. A challenge coming up that I hope to be able to share with you soon (that is very, very exciting and I am bursting at the seams waiting to share it!) will be a true test of letting go. Of throwing some inhibitions out of the window and just going for it. I know I can do it, I just have to apply what I have learned and dedicate the time and focus to it.

This post literally came to me this morning as I was making my breakfast…and it’s actually given me a lot of food for thought in how I can apply this to all aspects of my life. Because letting go has been what has helped me change, grow and develop into who I am now. And I couldn’t be happier.

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