Tag Archives: living with M

Mar27

On the topic of marriage.

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On the topic of marriage.

I’ve been debating a new mini-series on my blog. On the topic of marriage. For some reason, lately (as in, the last couple of months), I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage (and this recent engagement of the most lovely couple ever continues to spark my thinking!), . Like, a very lot. Sometimes even daily. I wonder when M will propose…and sometimes even *if* he will propose. I wonder why I have such a pull towards it (lately). I wonder why I’m so stuck on it. And I wonder why I *want* to get married, ideally, in the next year.

Why, why, why?

Why does it matter?

For those of you that really know me…you know weddings and all the ‘stuff’ around it is really not my style. So to be thinking this much about marriage and everything just feels so different for me, anyway. Foreign, almost. And when talking to my sister Jess about it this week, she asked me this question:

“Why do you want to get married…why do you want him to propose this year? Does it really matter?”

And honestly, at first, I was stumped. Speechless. Had no idea what my answer was.

I just…do. I feel as though we both clearly know we are meant for each other, we are so perfectly matched in every possible way, without a shadow of a doubt, he is the man I want to be my husband.  And maybe that’s enough of an answer. Maybe it just means I am ready.

And maybe a part of me feels as though we are just slightly incomplete without being married. One of the biggest things I missed about being married was the completeness of it, the safety, the unity of it. And I no longer feel like we are still learning each other, that we are still ‘getting to know’ we each other wants, in each other, in a marriage, as (future) possible parents, in a life…together. I know exactly what he wants. He knows exactly what I want. And it’s the same damn thing. So what’s stopping us from making it happen? 

And a small part of me feels like it is validation…and this is the one that really confuses me. Last night, for some reason, a wave of worry flooded over me. I wondered if perhaps living with me and seeing my ‘true colors’ had started to drive M away. That seeing that I can be moody, that I am uber picky about tidiness and what I eat etc., were driving him away from me, not towards me. After a long conversation, where M assuaged my fears and told me that he loves me more every day just a little bit more than the day prior (swoon…), I felt the connection and validation again. The validation I was searching for. But. Why do I still feel that getting engaged and married is the validation I really need and want? (and do I need it or do I just want it? And does it matter if I want it more than *need* it?)

(can you see how my mind is going in a zillion directions and just won’t settle?!)

So maybe I need to explore my thoughts on marriage. On why I want it. On what it signifies. On what I want out of it. Because I sure as hell didn’t know what I wanted out of it the first time, when I really dig deep and look at it. I just simply didn’t. And the last thing I’d want to do going into another marriage (if/when <–see, there I go again! doubting!), is to go into it not knowing what I want it to look like.

Love like this may come once
Baby it’s fate like a soul mate
He’s your penguin…

And in the end, you’ll have your best friend.

Feb6

Letting go.

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Letting go.

I have always struggled with this. Letting go. 

I think it’s been the root of my anxiety and overthinking ways (of the past!) and the inhibitor to growth and adjusting to change, in some capacity.

When I moved in with M in August, I started to let go a little bit. It took time, and it was frustrating, but I’ve let go of things like a spare dish in the sink, socks on the floor, whatever it may be, and have accepted that we are different people with different habits and allowing the house to not look as perfect as I’d like sometimes is perfectly okay. I used to get so anxious about it (moreso in my past apartment) in keeping it in tip top shape all the time and sticking to my once a week top to bottom cleaning, and while I do strive for a clean and tidy place now, I’ve realized that a few socks or papers laying on the table won’t kill me.

Learning to let go in this capacity has actually really helped me let go in other ways, too. Like with my routine and my workouts. I am better at adjusting my workouts to the conditions around me (as evidenced by last week’s workouts) and working out smarter, not harder, and the biggest one? Running. Letting go and not being so anxious or nervous prior to starting a run has done wonders for me.

For example, yesterday, M and I decided on a mid-day outdoor run. It was relatively mild (so I thought), and the route we chose would be solid, mostly downhill (so I thought). It ended up being a lot hillier on the way back than I remembered (funny how when you run the opposite way down a street, you never notice all those rolling hills…since they were subtly downhill the other way!), a lot windier, and colder (I didn’t wear my headband because I thought it was warm enough. Fail. Frozen ears). But instead of panicking or letting my breathing get out of control, we paced ourselves, slowed when we needed to and maintained a pretty steady pace. I don’t think I could or would have been able to do that before I started practicing this thing called ‘letting go.’

I have also learned that letting go means not comparing and not tearing myself down mentally, either. These will always be areas I need to work on, sometimes everyday, even, but instead of allowing fear to drive me or even competitiveness, to an extent, I am becoming more and more content with the me that I am, regardless of what others might think or assume about me, my relationship or my actions. That’s been huge for me.

The barre n9ne 60 day challenge has been, by far, one of the biggest tests for me in terms of letting go. It sounds like an oxymoron, in a sense, since this challenge has been all about focus, determination, dedication and being relatively strict with my eating and workout habits, but it has also meant throwing the rules out of the window and dedicating myself, mind, body and soul to this approach. It was really scary at first. It went against much of what I’d done in the past. But now? I can’t even fathom anything different. I can’t even fathom a better approach for me. One that works. From the eating habits and food log to the style of workout, to the combination with running that has been my special sauce. Letting go and not ‘going halfway and then stopping‘ has proved to me that dedication and hard work are, quite simply, all you need.

There are areas that I still have plenty of work to do in terms of letting go. A challenge coming up that I hope to be able to share with you soon (that is very, very exciting and I am bursting at the seams waiting to share it!) will be a true test of letting go. Of throwing some inhibitions out of the window and just going for it. I know I can do it, I just have to apply what I have learned and dedicate the time and focus to it.

This post literally came to me this morning as I was making my breakfast…and it’s actually given me a lot of food for thought in how I can apply this to all aspects of my life. Because letting go has been what has helped me change, grow and develop into who I am now. And I couldn’t be happier.

Dec29

2011: a retrospective (part II)

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2011: a retrospective (part II)

Here is part II of my 2011: a retrospective series. I think that the first half of 2011 could be characterized as intensely focused on career-building and relationship-building (with M, my beautiful niece Isabel), while the second half of 2011 could be characterized as physical- and emotional-building with career and relationships shifting more towards ‘refinement’ (for lack of a better word!).

So, here you have it – 2011: a retrospective (part II):

July

July was an exciting time for me for a few reasons: I decided to run my second half-marathon ‘officially’ and was deep in training for it (as the half-marathon was in August) with M by my side, and at the same time, the barre n9ne challenge was also going strong, as I reached my first milestone at the tail-end of June: 8.25″ lost since starting the challenge 30 days prior. Also? M and I decided to officially move in together and found our fantastic apartment after looking at just a few (and now, as I sit here, I am amazed at just how much I LOVE it here and how much it feels like home)

July also featured several ‘lakations’ upta camp in Maine, with M, my sisters and niece and some friends. Truly one of the best months of the year. Insanely good weather, some fantastic long runs (including a sunrise run with my friend Steph that was stunning, and several awesome ones with M…even if we did get lost on one of them, and also saw a turtle!), and some beach days thrown in for good measure.

And…and…and? The barre n9ne 60 day challenge officially ended and in total, I lost 14.25′ and regained my self esteem, body image and confidence in myself…I felt WORTH it again. I OWNED the changes and still do, to this day, as I continue seeing progress and change.

August

August. Pivotal again for a couple of reasons. First, running my second half marathon…and feeling like I failed. This was a case of my rushing to run a race that I knew would be a difficult course due to hills (oh holy hills…) and humidity. Looking back now, I truly wished I waited and ran the Green Strides Half in October instead, but hindsight is 20/20, right?I declared that I am a runner but not a racer. And honestly, I still feel this way, for the most part, even though I am debating on running another half marathon this year. Something is pulling me…and for once, it is not overthinking or doing something because I have to…it’s because I want to.

August also featured…moving in with M!!! It was bittersweet, my last night alone in my apartment, but now? I can’t imagine *not* living with M. And then this happened. Still one of my favorite moments of the summer, and perhaps even the year. *swoon*

My Nonno also passed away in August…and I didn’t know how I felt about it. I sort of forget sometimes that he has, just given the lack of relationship we really had. I still wish my Nonna was still here, more than anything. She’d truly have loved M. And knowing she would…warms my heart.

One thing I did struggle with, beginning in earnest in August, would rear up several times in the coming months…comparing myself to others, running frustrations and a pretty lengthy bout of overthinking…

September

My niece turned 1 in September! And marveling at how much she has grown in a year, and how much personality she has, and even, how with every time I see her, she remembers me more, she comes to me, and she trusts me…I just smile thinking about her. I love her more than I ever thought I could…more with each day. **kisses beautiful Isabel!**

…and I went to wine country…and with M by my side, it was even more amazing than the prior two years (even though I really missed having my sis and Scott there!). We ran amid vineyards, we drank a lot of wine and brought home even more wine (a shitton, in fact.). My mecca. Firmly believe!

I also kicked off another series, on learning to live together. And really worked through some initial kinks as M and I adjusted to living together.

October

October featured a freak snow storm that knocked out power in my complex for 4 days…and for weeks in other areas of the state. I exited October not a happy camper ;-)

I hit my overthinking breaking point in October…to the point that I simply snapped out of it. And to this day, I feel freer of that overthinking feeling than I ever have. I don’t overthink running, work, relationship (with M, my sisters, friends etc), nothing. It just works. I might think, but don’t overthink. And that is huge for me! My freedom from overthinking could be evidenced by the day I just ran…almost an entire half marathon without even planning on it. A very proud moment for me :)

(I also took my last work trip of 2011 in October…hallelujah!)

November

I started taking my blog in a bit of a new direction in November (and am still planning to adjust it even more in 2012…all in the name of refinement!), starting a new series on stories that define me…and writing less about my relationship with M, as I feel as though we are at a point where much of that adjusting and learning to each other has become more straight and narrow, and I don’t feel as compelled to divulge as much. I also started the 6-month running challenge and so far, it is one of the best things I’ve done for myself, aside from the barre n9ne challenge, as I feel like I am completely transforming my running, already, and can’t imagine where I’ll be come May 2012! Sky’s the limit?

December

Funny, even though we are still in December, I don’t feel like much has happened. But it has. I’ve continued my run-challenge and learning so much with each week’s runs. Barre n9ne continues to kick ass and I have successfully stayed on my ‘lifestyle change’ for more than 7 months and the results are showing…to ME, most importantly. I feel good, fit, happy, strong. And cannot wait to continue this journey in 2012, in every sense of the word. So much more to come…trust me :-)

~~~

So there you have it…my 2011 retrospective. Going through these posts was so interesting to me. The first half of the year truly featured work challenges and relationship learnings and challenges, while the second half really did shift towards personal and physical challenges. So interesting.

Did you have any sort of ‘seachange’ moments in 2011? Where things in your life just shifted focus or direction somewhat dramatically? Do share!

I wish you all a wonderful New Year’s Eve, whatever you may be doing. I am so excited for NYE, even more than I was last year. It’s going to be epic, of course, and I personally cannot wait to put on some sparkles and ring in the new year in style.

Happy New Year, friends, and back atcha in 2012!!

Dec27

On Christmas and ((normalcy))

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On Christmas and ((normalcy))

Hi friends! I hope you all had wonderful times with your families for Christmas or whatever holiday you may celebrate! From the posts I have seen (tried to catch up on a few after being intentionally MIA for a few days myself!), it looks like everyone has been embracing their families, friends, and celebration!

For me? This was probably one of the best Christmases that I can possibly remember. I honestly can’t put into words just how wonderful it was to…

…wake up next to M on Christmas morning, bounding out of bed like a 7 year old at 7 am (even though we had a late night the night prior at his parents’ house!), excited to exchange gifts, listen to music and sit by the fire before the hustle and bustle began.

…spend not one, but TWO days with my beautiful niece Isabel and my two sisters (and like, four days straight with Jess, hehe!). We honestly haven’t spent that much time together over Christmas in I don’t know how many years.

…go food log-less. Yes, I know, you are probably shocked. But the best part about it? I didn’t overeat, but I enjoyed, just the same.

…spend some much-needed down-time between four parties in three days. This was probably my favorite part of the holidays. Home. Quiet. Fireplace. Silence.

…realize, for the first time, that this apartment with M is the first place I have ever truly felt like was home. Our home. When I was married, for some reason, our house never felt like home. But it struck me this weekend…this. is my home. And I LOVE that feeling.

But, while I enjoyed every.single.minute of the holidays, one thing I absolutely crave after a whirlwind of parties, food, family and well, lack of routine?

NORMALCY.

((normalcy)) <–that’s me, hugging it out with normalcy. I know, just in case you didn’t ‘get’ it. (heehee)

I think the holidays are one of the best times of the year, don’t get me wrong. The crescendo leading up to the holidays is honestly, almost more fun than the actual day, in some cases. And it’s that crescendo that comes crashing down in a whirlwind of chaos that sometimes gets me. It can get so chaotic that it starts to suck the fun out of it. It’s happened to me in years past, and this year, I just wanted to make sure it didn’t, and that I enjoyed it. And that I did.

But today, what did I do? I cleaned. I tucked away gifts and organized. And re-embraced my food log. And ate more normally. And ran (outside! woohoo! WITH M, no less!).

…and even took down my tree.

And man, that sense of normalcy? Puts a huge-ass grin on my face.

((normalcy))

;-)

Nov8

Learning to live together: showing your love

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Learning to live together: showing your love

**The seventh in my little series on learning to live with M together. I will write these as the thoughts cross my mind**

This weekend, M said something to me that made me realize that I don’t verbalize how much I love him. He got the impression that maybe I wasn’t happy with him all the time.

This obviously took me completely by surprise and at the same time, made me feel like an absolutely awful girlfriend. Not because he said that, but because it was something he’d picked up on, just by making assumptions and probably, in part due to some nagging tendencies (and my random mood swings sometimes!) I have been trying to curb. And also? Because maybe I assume that he knows how I feel, and that my actions portray my love for him.

But sometimes…I guess they don’t. I say them here, all the time! I think about how much I love him and how much I am blessed to have him in my life. But do I actually say those words to him that often? No.  And I never thought about it before, I guess I just assumed he knew how I felt, and that I showed him in my actions, touches, and words. And perhaps part of me is getting so used to being loved, cared for, appreciated, and taken care OF by him…and I never want to slide into any sense of complacency. Complacency was the kiss of death in my previous marriage, and is something I vowed never to let happen again.

Though what he said was sort of in passing, and not really meant as anything finger-pointing or anything I did specifically, it actually made me realize that perhaps I can do better at showing my love for M. He doesn’t read this blog, so he doesn’t see all the words I write about him (except when I show him, on occasion). He isn’t in my brain, hearing my daydreams, and when my thoughts meander to him almost all day long. And he doesn’t feel my heart thump when he comes in the door and gives he a big hug and kiss. He probably doesn’t even know how much I want to marry him.

He shows his love to me all the time. Her verbalizes it beyond ‘I love you’ far more often than I do. And it’s time for me to meet him more than halfway on that. Because truth is, he deserves to be shown just as much as I am shown every single day. He deserves to KNOW how much I love him and how much I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

And when I read Dorry’s post on this very topic - learning love – this all came together in my head. I need to do this more often:

I want to be the person who is willing to listen, learn, and love. I’m getting to know him better. I’m listening to him, learning more about his wants and needs, and loving him in an unconditional way. I recognize how much my emotions, my words, and my attitude influence him. I am grateful that I can offer him positivity, hope, and love.

He nurtures and deserves to be nurtured too. This isn’t just a piece of the puzzle, this is the puzzle. Nurturing love is the only way to not only maintain it, but to grow it, and keep it fueled strong and bright. I love M with all of my heart, from the tips of my toes, to the strands of my hair. He deserves to know that and feel that every single day. Just as I feel from him each and every day.

I am listening to what M said and really taking it to heart (whether he meant for me to or not, it was the reminder I needed). For me…love is…M.