Tag Archives: me

May22

A year later: before and after: there is no ‘end game.’

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A year later: before and after: there is no ‘end game.’

Visualize the end game. The result.

That’s what you’re supposed to do when you set out on a journey, a challenge, towards a goal.

But at first, I never could quite visualize the end game, the result, from the opportunity I was granted a year ago for the barre n9ne 60 day challenge.

Why?

Because I didn’t quite believe. In myself. Or even in the challenge facing me. Or in all that it could be, if I set my mind to it.

I was used to going halfway and stopping.

I was used to the field goal.

I had never achieved the results I wanted or thought I could attain. I didn’t believe in “smarter, not harder.” I didn’t believe, even, (not fully) in lifestyle change.

On day one, this was the me I was then. Not quite believing…hoping, not unable to visualize. 

Frustrated with myself physically, feeling like a hamster on a wheel spinning and spinning but with little to show for it, not understanding that I had lost the ability to see moderation in my eats, and having lower self esteem than I ever wanted to admit or be faced with. Day one of the 60 day challenge was a scary day for me. Because it meant facing the things that I had ignored and pushed aside for fear of number fixation, the reality of the situation and doing something I’d never done before. *Not* stopping at the field goal…but going for the touchdown.

The last year has been a year out of my comfort zone, and not only has it taught me that I have the power to reach the goals in which I set for myself, for perhaps the first time in my life, it’s also given me an opportunity I never thought possible. To pay forward what I have learned, in lifestyle changes, the power of a barre workout and how to finally – finally – be comfortable in my own skin.

And, as a result?…this is the me I am now.

When I took this picture, I saw it for the first time. The end game that I never thought possible. I had achieved the ‘after’ that I always envied on infomercials (even pooh-pooh’ing the words these ‘success story’ spokespeople said…words like life-changing, being the me I always wanted to be, etc), losing the inches, pants sizes and weight. Perhaps the best part of seeing this picture? Besides the renewed gleam in my eye that speaks happiness, confidence and pride?

Realizing that there is no end game.This is the life I have built for myself.

And it is the life that I will continue. Moderation, real, wholesome, fueling foods, and a love for barre n9ne, from teaching, to taking classes.  This life. A life that rails against the word ‘diet,’ that focuses on real foods, no gimmicks and the magic bullet of consistency that has opened the door to the happy medium I never thought was possible.

And ultimately? This is a life that I will continue to pay forward.  Because this happy medium life is pretty damn good . Thank you, Tanya, for your belief in us, to my sister Jess in sharing this journey with me (read her post here on her results and thoughts on the last year!), to the barre n9ne community for being such a supportive family (and believing in us then, as the first ‘challenges’ and now, as instructors), and to all of you – my family and friends, for supporting, encouraging and believing.

**as I hit ‘publish’ on this, know that it took a lot of thought and decision-making on posting my before and after pictures…because as much as this journey has of course, been about weight and inches lost, that’s not *all* it has been. I think that goes without saying…but, I just thought it was worth mentioning again.**

Apr10

My 6-month run challenge (week 19): being at peace with mileage

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My 6-month run challenge (week 19): being at peace with mileage

For my 6-month run challenge update for week 19, I want to talk about mileage. Because, speaking of epiphanies yesterday, I had a running epiphany on Friday as I ran the lake with my friend Steph, that has been in the back of my mind, but finally came out as we were chatting.

I’ve been struggling with keeping up with my 7 mile ‘longer’ base run the last several weeks as I transition more to outdoor running. And I think I know why (in part) I am struggling.

Because I’ve been focusing so much on the mileage and keeping it up and getting that longer run in (along with my barre n9ne classes, taken and soon-to-be-teaching regularly, 3 other runs, 1 spin and 1 yoga workout each week!) that it’s stressing me out. And more than that, I keep questioning why I am bothering with it EACH and every week if that’s the case. Why force it? Why do it ‘just’ to do it (even though I always make sure to plan that run on fresh or semi-fresh legs and not pair it with another workout, barre n9ne, for example) so I don’t risk ‘junk miles.’ And even, why do it ‘just’ because I am doing this run challenge and chronicling it all here?

What is my motivation?

My motivation, from the get-go from this challenge to myself, has been to keep up with consistent runs throughout the winter months (4/week) and sustain some distance on the dreadmill in said winter months. My secondary goal has been to work on some speed and my breathing. I’ve done each of these things. I’m still working on them, I’m still a work-in-progress, but dude, I’ve made it through almost five months of this challenge and have made it to the warmer months.

And suddenly?

Longer mileage doesn’t matter as much to me as I thought it did when I declared this challenge (in some ways, to perhaps inch towards running another half marathon) in the first place. In part because I don’t think a race is even in the cards for me. Because I just don’t ‘need’ it to prove to myself that I am a runner, that I am an athlete, or that I can do it. I honestly know that I can, if I really wanted to. My body remembers. It knows how to work. And as I write this declaration of sorts, I re-read it and see it as proof that I don’t need a race to keep running. I don’t need to hit a certain number in my runs each day or week to know I am accomplishing something. And I don’t even read this as an excuse as I may have a few months ago.

Because I am at peace…with mileage.

And whatever that mileage is each day or week, I am satisfied with it. Because I know my body worked hard. Because even if it’s a ‘meh‘ run or a fantastic run, it’s getting out there and continuing to do what I said I would do. Run to run. Run for me. Not for miles. 

For as much as I’ve waxed poetic about ‘never say never’ when it comes to races and half marathons and such…it just doesn’t interest me anymore. It isn’t a motivator. It isn’t something I feel like I am missing out on anymore. What motivates me is simply running to run. Sweating. The ‘hurts so good’ feeling after I’m done. And that huge bowl of oatmeal waiting for me aftewards.

I’m sure this post is all over the place in parts. But I feel strongly about this. Very much so. I finally feel at peace with running ‘my style’ and nobody else’s. I finally feel as though I am not comparing myself to other runners, to others’ pace or distance or whatever. I only see my road ahead. My plans for the week. Nothing else.

I’m at peace with mileage. And with running. 

This doesn’t mean I am ending my run challenge. It doesn’t even mean that I won’t increase my distance. I just don’t plan to pressure myself to fit in a longer run if it doesn’t make sense in a given day or week. I’ll run what my body wants. And be absolutely thrilled with it. Each and every time.

**I write this in part because…life is so busy. I am juggling a lot of priorities right now, and I need to stop the juggling. Focus on what matters most, not doing things ‘just because.’ This gives me the balance I always strive for, mentally, and physically, with everything else whirling around. More on that in a later post…**

Apr5

Why I keep my blog semi-private (and why M doesn’t read it).

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Why I keep my blog semi-private (and why M doesn’t read it).

I realized when I wrote about throwing M a surprise party that some of you didn’t realize that he doesn’t read my blog.

And that’s been by design.

So has keeping my blog semi-private, generally. My first blog began the same way, generally private (anonymous, mostly) but after realizing that certain people were reading it that I had never shared it with (which I realized could happen just by nature of social media and its virility anyway), I started this blog. And used a different username. And decided to continue with it being more private than most. And decided that I would continue to not actively share it with M. Or post it on Facebook. Or post it on  my public Twitter. And keep my Twitter that is tied to this blog protected (even though I know it can still be found and the link is on there, my protected tweets are more so I can say whatever I want and not worry my employer, for example, will see it and some of the random, sometimes TWSS-ish tweets!)

It’s not like I don’t show M some of my posts. Because I do. Remember when I shared my story with him? That was a powerful moment. And whenever I do choose to share a post with him, it’s with intent. Because sometimes what I write about are things we have yet to discuss (but eventually do actually discuss…like my ‘on marriage’ series. We had such a good conversation about it last night. I love when we get into deep conversations. It’s…sexy). He respects why I keep it to myself. He doesn’t try to dig. He reads if I share it with him, but won’t even look over my shoulder as I am writing. He ‘gets’ it.

But, keeping my blog semi-private (I say semi because I am realistic in knowing that it’s still easily found and I know people that I may have wanted to ‘lose’ from my old readership have probably found it again. But ignorance is bliss, isn’t it?) has some downfalls, too. Sometimes I get frustrated that I go through dry spells where it seems as though what I am saying is just not resonating (when in reality, I just simply have a smaller audience by nature of semi-privacy and protected tweets!). It’s not like I need a zillion hits on my blog to keep me going, I just look forward to reading others’ perspectives, viewpoints, advice etc. Don’t we all? And sometimes, I DO want to share some of my posts on Facebook. Ones about barre n9ne, or running, all of the non-super-personal ones. (that’s usually when I choose to guest blog for my sister’s blog or anyone else’s that I may do it for on occasion).

So, while I intentionally choose to keep my blog semi-private, there are some downsides to it. But it’s all worth it. Because it allows me freedom to write as I please, not worry about an audience so much, and continue to share my deeper personal beliefs, experiences and learnings…post-divorce, from running, from life, and from my job.

My blog is my haven. It’s where I feel free. It’s where I can be the most authentic me. And isn’t that what blogging is all about in the first place? 

 

Mar21

A glimpse into my brain – it’s like a ping pong in there.

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A glimpse into my brain – it’s like a ping pong in there.

Today is one of those days where my mind is just going a mile a minute. I have a bunch of posts half-written, either in my head, or in draft form. I have a few topics I want to write about later this week that tie into anniversaries of certain things. I want to write. Yet, a bunch of half thought out topics doesn’t much for a blog post make.

Unless…

I just give ya a glimpse into my brain. Because, quite honestly, it’s like a ping pong in there. Stuff flying all around. Dizzying, really.

But funny too.

So, take it or leave it, here’s what’s flitting through my brain at any given moment today (this girl wrote a fun one of these a few weeks ago…similar to that!).

  • I really need to buy more plain Chobani yogurt. Funny how it doesn’t taste as plain/tart as it used to. My palette is changing. Again.
  • Man, I’m traveling a lot soon. Second week of April (Chicago), second week of May (Atlanta), third week of May (Costa Mesa)…not to mention upcoming vacations. Oy? But fun?
  • OMG I can’t concentrate today. It’s so nice out. 
  • Why do I feel the need to use three different web browsers at any given time? (seriously, I think I have multi-tasking issues…)
  • This apple has been sitting on my desk for a week. Where did it come from? (wtf?)
  • OMG I can’t concentrate today. It’s so nice out.
  • I seriously check TweetDeck like every 5 minutes, but I don’t even read tweets every time. It’s like some weird tic or something.
  • I’ve decided lentils are my new favorite ‘bang ‘fer your buck’ food calorie- and flavor-wise. Um, yum.
  • I really need to stop looking at Pinterest during lunch, everything looks so damn good.
  • I wish I could swim. Maybe I’d be good at doing tri’s.
  • What am I thinking, I hate races, remember?
  • I have an online shopping addiction. Currently waiting for Bare Escentials, Victoria’s Secret (oh wait, that just arrived), The Limited orders to arrive in the mail. #beingbad
  • I need new sneakers. When can I go to an actual running store. Hmmph. Friday, maybe?
  • I just heard a golf ball being hit. That’s so awesome. (means windows are open and people are playing golf! in March!)
  • I don’t think I could ever *not* work from home. I am so productive.
  • OMG I can’t concentrate. It is so nice out (about that productivity…)
  • I can’t wait for date night in tonight. Oh and wine.
  • Srsly, this wordpress commenting issue needs to be fixed. I miss my bloggy friend comments :/
  • Do people really say “AIs” for action items? I just heard that on a call and wanted to gag. I hate office-speak.
  • OMG I can’t concentrate. It is so nice out.
  • Did you know Juicy Fruit now comes in sugar free in fun flavors? I think I’ve chewed like 20 pieces this week.
  • Man. My hip hurts. Must. Stretch. Want to run tomorrow.
  • UGH, my Outlook email now shows my heinous first-day-of-work picture in every email I send internally at work. Is it vain to ask to change it to a better one?
  • Look! A unicorn.
  • Okay, just kidding on that last one (it was actually a liger).

Re-reading this, I’m thinking it’s pretty lame, but honestly, this is where my brain is at. Ping pong. Ping pong. Tap, tap, tap. Feel free to read, laugh, make fun of me, or disregard. This is how my brain rolls, yo. And I felt like writing about it ;-)

Happy winesday!!

No, I'm not drinking that right now...but I wish I was!

Feb28

My why.

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My why.

One of Tina’s posts recently got me thinking about why I do what I do. Why I consider myself somewhat of an overachiever, why I feel like I always want to make goals and continuously work on self-improvement, both physically and mentally. It boils down to…

My Why.

Knowing the why behind what I do is what motivates me.

But also knowing how I feel after I accomplish something is what motivates me. Beyond the why. It’s the how.

Knowing how I feel after I’ve reached a goal, or observed self-improvement, whether it be a physical improvement (my run challenge, for example) or a mental one (my recent work trip that took me out of my comfort zone) or even a quasi-mental and physical one (training to be barre n9ne certified!). It all comes back to knowing who I am and what works for me in terms of change, growth and challenging myself.

But why do I do it? Why do I constantly challenge myself? Because it is truly what I am passionate about. When it comes to physical challenges and fitness, I love how I feel after I have sweated through a workout. Or realized that my flexibility is improving through begrudgingly stretching 1-2 times a day. Or finding my a-ha moment when it comes to mind-body connection during a particular ab exercise.

And the eating? I’ve honestly never felt better than when I eat for fuel rather than for fun. Eating is still fun for me – a-ha – but in a different way. Rather than eating a huge piece of cake and while sure, that may taste good, I would argue that a Dove ‘promises’ chocolate tastes just as good, if not better, with a cup of tea, coffee or yes, even a glass of wine. I’d much prefer a glass of wine and a piece of chocolate over a piece of cake. It might be a trade-off to some, to pass up the cake, but I know me. And I know my body. And I know that I will feel better and just as, if not more, satisfied with that combination. (On the flip-side of that, I am still learning to balance watching what I eat, and choosing healthy options over having days where I just want to throw caution to the wind and eat and drink more than normal. It’s a struggle, I won’t lie, sometimes. More on that later…)

And finally, the mental challenges. I consider myself somewhat of an overachiever…not a surprise, I am sure. But this overachiever status really came to light in the last few years. As I was forced to face things that scared me, that I wanted to run from, but that I had to conquer just by nature of what it was. Divorce. Something that wasn’t my choice. That pushed me out of my comfort zone. But it was also what started to teach me things I never thought I’d face or want to willingly face, either. And ever since that time, it’s like I’ve made a deal with myself. To never settle. To never slide into complacency.

My why.

…To challenge myself. Not for sake of challenging myself, but for betterment and learning.

…To focus on being the best ‘me’ I can be. Mentally, physically, emotionally. A better sister, lover, daughter, aunt, friend. 

…To maintain the life that I have built for myself. Not settling. Not sliding into complacency. Not doing to do or eating to eat. Doing with intention and purpose.

…To love myself, with flaws and with areas I struggle with. And know that facing my weaknesses will only make me stronger.

…My why. 

What is your ‘why?‘ (thank you Tina, for such an inspiring and thought-provoking post!)