Tag Archives: motivation

May8

My 6-month run challenge (weeks 20-22): on run-volutions and ruminations

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My 6-month run challenge (weeks 20-22): on run-volutions and ruminations

We are nearing the end of my 6-month run challenge, and as I recap the past few weeks, I’m purposely trying to save my final thoughts under the ‘official’ 6-month mark, because I think the next couple week’s worth of running will still give me plenty more to ruminate over.

However.

After declaring that I am running less for mileage and more for joy, and doing a run-speriment to purposely try and run on the freshest legs I can, whenever possible, I have noticed a difference in my runs and a release in my brain (yet again) of the pressure I self-inflict on myself to perform. This run-speriment and run challenge overall has nothing to do with performance. Why? Because I am not performing against anyone or anything. I am simply running for me, and seeing what I can do to refocus my mind on the enjoyment of the run, on focused, calm breathing, and on steady, happy, consistent runs, as much as possible. 

It’s when I slide into worry about a bad run, or that I’m struggling more than I think I should, or when I get frustrated that running just doesn’t come as naturally to me as I would like it to, that I start to allow the overthinking to creep in. The overthinking that I’ve worked so damn hard to break away from.

But lately? I’ve reallyreallyreally shut my brain off, not thought about how many runs I want to get into a given week (until that week starts), nor thought about mileage as much. I’ve simply run to run, to move, to sweat, and to enjoy each run as much as possible.

It is starting to feel like a run-volution (<–like that? a riff on ‘evolution?’ Ok I am a dork, what can I say?) of sorts. And I am really digging it. I actually caught myself smiling as I ran with M yesterday. And realized my mind was wandering on things other than my run. Gasp! Is it really working? Am I really running for fun and actually *having* fun?

I do believe I am.

And I sure as hell hope this continues. Because as my mind wanders, it starts to go back to the ‘what-if’s’ – the what if ‘this sticks’ and what if I naturally start to again want to run longer, explore my limits again? Well, my friends, the sky is the limit. And I will always be the first one to say ‘never say never’ to any of that. 

And that’s what I love most about running. The constant run-volution. The constant ‘why I run’ answer (it’s always evolving, er, run-volving, and I LOVE that, as my sis pointed out too!). The constant growth, change, motivation.

It’s why I never stop. It’s why I will keep forging on. It’s why I am always looking for that breakthrough moment. I feel it could very well be near. And I hope it is. Either way? I am running for fun. And it feels simply great.

~~

Well, friends, I am off to Atlanta today for the Digital Summit. A quick two-day trip, flying home Thursday night. These are the trips I like. Quick, same time zone, and about social media? Bring it on. AND as a huge bonus? I get to attend the conference WITH Lee from In My Tummy (who actually mentioned this conference to me, thank you!) and Tina from Best Body Fitness. I won’t lie…I am most excited about meeting them both, and a close second is actually attending the conference and social-media-geeking-out ;-)

Feb28

My why.

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My why.

One of Tina’s posts recently got me thinking about why I do what I do. Why I consider myself somewhat of an overachiever, why I feel like I always want to make goals and continuously work on self-improvement, both physically and mentally. It boils down to…

My Why.

Knowing the why behind what I do is what motivates me.

But also knowing how I feel after I accomplish something is what motivates me. Beyond the why. It’s the how.

Knowing how I feel after I’ve reached a goal, or observed self-improvement, whether it be a physical improvement (my run challenge, for example) or a mental one (my recent work trip that took me out of my comfort zone) or even a quasi-mental and physical one (training to be barre n9ne certified!). It all comes back to knowing who I am and what works for me in terms of change, growth and challenging myself.

But why do I do it? Why do I constantly challenge myself? Because it is truly what I am passionate about. When it comes to physical challenges and fitness, I love how I feel after I have sweated through a workout. Or realized that my flexibility is improving through begrudgingly stretching 1-2 times a day. Or finding my a-ha moment when it comes to mind-body connection during a particular ab exercise.

And the eating? I’ve honestly never felt better than when I eat for fuel rather than for fun. Eating is still fun for me – a-ha – but in a different way. Rather than eating a huge piece of cake and while sure, that may taste good, I would argue that a Dove ‘promises’ chocolate tastes just as good, if not better, with a cup of tea, coffee or yes, even a glass of wine. I’d much prefer a glass of wine and a piece of chocolate over a piece of cake. It might be a trade-off to some, to pass up the cake, but I know me. And I know my body. And I know that I will feel better and just as, if not more, satisfied with that combination. (On the flip-side of that, I am still learning to balance watching what I eat, and choosing healthy options over having days where I just want to throw caution to the wind and eat and drink more than normal. It’s a struggle, I won’t lie, sometimes. More on that later…)

And finally, the mental challenges. I consider myself somewhat of an overachiever…not a surprise, I am sure. But this overachiever status really came to light in the last few years. As I was forced to face things that scared me, that I wanted to run from, but that I had to conquer just by nature of what it was. Divorce. Something that wasn’t my choice. That pushed me out of my comfort zone. But it was also what started to teach me things I never thought I’d face or want to willingly face, either. And ever since that time, it’s like I’ve made a deal with myself. To never settle. To never slide into complacency.

My why.

…To challenge myself. Not for sake of challenging myself, but for betterment and learning.

…To focus on being the best ‘me’ I can be. Mentally, physically, emotionally. A better sister, lover, daughter, aunt, friend. 

…To maintain the life that I have built for myself. Not settling. Not sliding into complacency. Not doing to do or eating to eat. Doing with intention and purpose.

…To love myself, with flaws and with areas I struggle with. And know that facing my weaknesses will only make me stronger.

…My why. 

What is your ‘why?‘ (thank you Tina, for such an inspiring and thought-provoking post!)

Feb6

Letting go.

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Letting go.

I have always struggled with this. Letting go. 

I think it’s been the root of my anxiety and overthinking ways (of the past!) and the inhibitor to growth and adjusting to change, in some capacity.

When I moved in with M in August, I started to let go a little bit. It took time, and it was frustrating, but I’ve let go of things like a spare dish in the sink, socks on the floor, whatever it may be, and have accepted that we are different people with different habits and allowing the house to not look as perfect as I’d like sometimes is perfectly okay. I used to get so anxious about it (moreso in my past apartment) in keeping it in tip top shape all the time and sticking to my once a week top to bottom cleaning, and while I do strive for a clean and tidy place now, I’ve realized that a few socks or papers laying on the table won’t kill me.

Learning to let go in this capacity has actually really helped me let go in other ways, too. Like with my routine and my workouts. I am better at adjusting my workouts to the conditions around me (as evidenced by last week’s workouts) and working out smarter, not harder, and the biggest one? Running. Letting go and not being so anxious or nervous prior to starting a run has done wonders for me.

For example, yesterday, M and I decided on a mid-day outdoor run. It was relatively mild (so I thought), and the route we chose would be solid, mostly downhill (so I thought). It ended up being a lot hillier on the way back than I remembered (funny how when you run the opposite way down a street, you never notice all those rolling hills…since they were subtly downhill the other way!), a lot windier, and colder (I didn’t wear my headband because I thought it was warm enough. Fail. Frozen ears). But instead of panicking or letting my breathing get out of control, we paced ourselves, slowed when we needed to and maintained a pretty steady pace. I don’t think I could or would have been able to do that before I started practicing this thing called ‘letting go.’

I have also learned that letting go means not comparing and not tearing myself down mentally, either. These will always be areas I need to work on, sometimes everyday, even, but instead of allowing fear to drive me or even competitiveness, to an extent, I am becoming more and more content with the me that I am, regardless of what others might think or assume about me, my relationship or my actions. That’s been huge for me.

The barre n9ne 60 day challenge has been, by far, one of the biggest tests for me in terms of letting go. It sounds like an oxymoron, in a sense, since this challenge has been all about focus, determination, dedication and being relatively strict with my eating and workout habits, but it has also meant throwing the rules out of the window and dedicating myself, mind, body and soul to this approach. It was really scary at first. It went against much of what I’d done in the past. But now? I can’t even fathom anything different. I can’t even fathom a better approach for me. One that works. From the eating habits and food log to the style of workout, to the combination with running that has been my special sauce. Letting go and not ‘going halfway and then stopping‘ has proved to me that dedication and hard work are, quite simply, all you need.

There are areas that I still have plenty of work to do in terms of letting go. A challenge coming up that I hope to be able to share with you soon (that is very, very exciting and I am bursting at the seams waiting to share it!) will be a true test of letting go. Of throwing some inhibitions out of the window and just going for it. I know I can do it, I just have to apply what I have learned and dedicate the time and focus to it.

This post literally came to me this morning as I was making my breakfast…and it’s actually given me a lot of food for thought in how I can apply this to all aspects of my life. Because letting go has been what has helped me change, grow and develop into who I am now. And I couldn’t be happier.

Aug24

Where do I go from here?

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Where do I go from here?

So I have been struggling. Yes, I know, I really need to stop dwelling on  my half marathon performance  (though I will say this: I am mostly over it. I did it, I finished, that’s all that matters. Mostly.) because it is affecting my mindset when it comes to my running, especially when it comes to running with friends or my sister (And yes, even after yesterday’s phenomenal run. As Jessica pointed out, sometimes those perfect runs are few and far in between but they are awesome when they happen. Yes, they are, but they are also (sometimes) few and far in between)

Enter fear.

When discussing a #rundate for tomorrow morning with my sis and friend Steph, we starting talking routes. I suggested a fun route we haven’t done this year that we did all summer long last year. It was our half-marathon training route. Once mileage came up and someone suggested we run the whole thing (about 9-10 miles), I instantly panicked. Froze. Fear took over.

“I can’t do this. I should just run alone. Or with M. I need to run with M.”

Now I realize that I am now using M as my crutch in this case, thinking that the only way I will do okay and stay calm is with him.

Why am I sliding back? Why am I letting fear take control?

If I am not a racer, why am I feeling so anxious and scared? I thought I kicked this. But maybe I haven’t. Maybe I need more time. I actually don’t know what I need.

Where do I go from here?

~~

I feel like I am mourning what I thought I was. I am now dwelling on what this change means for me as a runner. Not. a. racer. As much as I want to be. Right now, I am calling myself a RUNNER, not a RACER.

Part of me wonders if that’s a cop-out. That I am just shying away from what’s hard. And then part of me wonders if that’s what got me into this situation in the first place (knowing that this race was less than ideal, pretty close to when I got my running mojo back AND super challenging, hilly, and in the middle of summer, when humidity saps my breathing).

Maybe in a way, I am mourning what I feel I got robbed of on Sunday. Not finishing a race in the way I wanted to, not crossing proudly as my sister did. We didn’t experience it together. (but cue, the 13.1 rundate!)

Am I unfairly judging myself a week later? Maybe. Am I dwelling on something I cannot change? Absolutely. Can I change my mindset so it’s less fearful and more happy when I run?

I’m not sure. I want to. I need to. I would love to. It feels like a weight around my neck again, a mental stumbling block that is crippling me.

Where do I go from here? How do I fix this – AGAIN?

~~

And part of me wonders is if I am mostly mourning having something *not* in common with Jess anymore (to an extent).

I know you guys must think it’s weird, or even unnecessary even, that we do pretty much everything together. But it’s not because we copy each other. Or that I do what she does or she does what I do (workout-wise. I mean, I submitted us for the barre n9ne challenge, getting us both seriously – and happily – addicted and she got me into running. for example). It’s because we simply enjoy doing as much as possible together. It gives us joy. It gives us things to do together since we no longer work together for the first time in oh, 8 years. And we both just plain love to sweat, love to work out, and love to set and reach goals together. It’s the experience. Doing it together. (so why am I suddenly afraid to run *with* her?)
I also need to admit to myself that she is simply just better at racing than I am. That this is something different for us. That we aren’t on the same wavelength on something for the first time. That part of what I’ve identified with myself is no longer. She is a racer. I am not. And that’s okay. It should be okay. So why does it feel so sad for me? Why do I feel that familiar pull towards wanting to keep working towards half marathons? Like this one?

It’s affected me more than I thought…that part of my identity feels just slightly changed but changed enough to throw me into a bit of a mental tailspin.

~~

But I am still a runner. I am still focused on challenging myself. I am still doing everything that makes me happy.

But the premise of racing I liked – working towards a goal – is what feels missing. I need a new challenge. (short term, it’s this!). I thrive with challenges and goals.

So what is it? What do I do? I’m still doing the barre n9ne challenge (unofficially, yet officially…I mean, we *are* the barre n9ne spokespeople after all!), I’m still running. But what’s the goal? What’s my next ‘thing?’

I don’t have an answer for that. But I want something. My mind is in overdrive. A few things float to mind, just maybe.

Where do I go from here?

~~

This post has ping-ponged all over the place. I’ve rewritten it three different ways. I guess this is my way of ‘blogging out’ what’s been flitting through my mind lately. If it doesn’t make sense, forgive me. If you think I’m talking nonsensical, I probably am. But that’s okay. I just gotta get this out and move forward.

Aug11

“Why do you want to run a half marathon?”

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“Why do you want to run a half marathon?”

“Why do you want to run a half marathon?”

M posed this question to me on one of my particularly frustrating, struggling, feel-like-lead-want-to-panic-can’t-breathe runs about 5 weeks ago and I didn’t have a good answer to that question.

I thought about it and was at a loss for words.

“Why DO I want to run a half marathon?”

But now, as I have *finally* found that running groove that I was desperately seeking and questioning whether it would ever come back, questioning if I really WAS cut out to be a runner, and hell, WAS I even a runner at all…I know the answer.

Because I can.

Because I want to prove to myself that my body is capable, that my mind is capable, that my body will carry me every step of that 13.1 miles on Sunday.

And why else do I want to run a half marathon?

Because I AM a runner. Reading Tina’s post and Jess’s post today and nodding with every word they said, I sat back and thought,“‘huh. I’m a runner too, aren’t I??” Never thought I’d see the day where I’d say that and believe it (I’ve said it before but I didn’t really believe it).

And even though I struggled a bit on my last run before the half (4.5 miles, but was having a bit of an – ahem – issue needing to go to the bathroom, if you catch my drift. TMI, yes, but does that happen to anyone else?! M equates it to ‘running with a backpack on’ and well, that’s exactly what it feels like!!), it wasn’t that my legs weren’t carrying me or that I was struggling with my breathing, it was just that other ‘issue’ (though I admit to letting it get to me mentally, worrying about this happening on Sunday. I’ll squash that for Sunday though, I am determined!).

I am looking forward to crossing that finish line on Sunday (even if we’re in for a rainy forecast…) more than I ever thought I would.

Because I can. Because I am a runner.

Have you ever run a race of any length? Do you visualize the finish line as motivation? Have you ‘run a marathon’ of another kind (metaphorically speaking) and conquered it? Let’s call this ‘Share Thursday,’ shall we?