Tag Archives: support

May4

More Friday lovin’

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More Friday lovin’

Keeping my fun/loving/Friday Five theme going because it’s one of those weeks where I yet again have a lot floating around up in my OATTing brain and figure this is the best way to hammer it out without a heck of a lot of detail, yaknowwhatimsayin? <–and I’m clearly a little slaphappy this morning, too!

Some Friday lovin’:

My run-speriment seems to be working (and I just realized I never totally blogged about this, this week, did I? Just mentioned it in last Friday’s post!)! I think I’ve finally found the right balance (at least in my first week’s run-speriment, that is!) for my runs. It’s all about working smarter, and not harder. Back to those basics I’ve talked about before. I carefully planned my runs this week around my barre classes (teaching and taking) rather than trying to do them back to back (it legit feels like what I would equate a brick workout to feel like, in a sense…not that I have done a brick, but if I did…) and did not do any of them back to back with teaching. And every single run was absolutely fabulous! I felt strong, I ran hard, and hit some relatively good mileage too, and that’s with 3 of 4 runs on the dreadmill, no less (we’ve been hammered with rain and yuck weather this week!). That, my friends, is how I want my week’s runs to feel every week. Strong, speedy, and just plain GOOD. <–just the vibes I’ll be sending my sis, brother in law and Samantha as they kick ass in the Providence Half Marathon on Sunday!! Go get it!!

If I haven’t said it enough, I absolutely love teaching barre n9ne. I’ll be teaching a total of 6 classes by the end of this weekend (two more tomorrow and one on Sunday) and with each class, no matter how big or small, I feel more confident, I feel more sure of myself in switching up my plans mid-routine (Me!? Who is this non-planner?!) and there is seriously nothing better than seeing the determination, sweat, and focus in the eyes of our clients at the studio. This feels insanely good. That, and all of the feedback from clients that my sister and I have both been getting, seeing the results of the 60 day challengers and the inches melting away, and on this day, one year ago, when we officially won the 60 day challenge? It feels incredible. (shameless self promotion: check out the feature I scored for Tanya! SO COOL!)

I love my man. More than ever. I don’t know why, but this week, I’ve just felt so connected to him, and wanting to just be near him in every way. Maybe it’s the fact that I am traveling next week, or maybe it’s just another evolution of our relationship, where our love continues to grow and develop, but I just love him so much. I know it’s mushy, but I just do. He’s amazing and I feel so blessed.

Celebrating an unplanned weekend <3. If I could hug this weekend, I would. Hell, I might even marry it ;-) Almost nothing planned (except for a fabulous birthday party tonight) and I couldn’t be happier. M and I will be doing a lil date night in on Saturday and beyond teaching at barre n9ne, that’s honestly all that I want to do. Flit around, do as I please, and just be. 

Happy weekend friends, make it a good one, mmk? Cheers!

 

Mar26

On overthinking.

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On overthinking.

Overthinking Ollie hasn’t made an appearance in quite some time.

For that, I am extremely proud. (especially as kicking that overthinking tailspin came at the exact right time in my life, because I was heading down a very ugly path in my head, otherwise).

But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t rear her ugly head now and again and I have to tamp it down ever so gently (yet firmly).

You see, overthinking leads to negativity.

Overthinking leads to going for the field goal, and not the touchdown.

Overthinking leads to comparison, fear and losing trust and faith.

All of these things I have worked so hard to quell and have honestly conquered pretty damn well, I do believe.

But sometimes, overthinking rears its ugly head and I need to remind myself just how far I’ve come. In life, love, my job, and my body.

Harness that, and not the negative, questioning, comparing that can be so ugly.

This is me reminding myself to keep that overthinking Ollie at bay. Cuz I got this. 

~~

PS check out this fantastic article from Emma…she interviewed me for the article and I am so proud of how it came out. Thank you for the opportunity to share my story and how I harnessed my divorce to turn it into an experience that shapes me to this day. When Overachievers Divorce. 

~~

Edited: WordPress.com made changes to commenting, out of the author’s control. If you have a WordPress account tied to the e-mail address you’re using to comment (even if it’s old, or one you don’t use), you mustsign in with that account to comment. Otherwise, just use a different e-mail? Or make one up. Frustrating and an extra step, but it seems to be the only thing that is working!

Nov8

Learning to live together: showing your love

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Learning to live together: showing your love

**The seventh in my little series on learning to live with M together. I will write these as the thoughts cross my mind**

This weekend, M said something to me that made me realize that I don’t verbalize how much I love him. He got the impression that maybe I wasn’t happy with him all the time.

This obviously took me completely by surprise and at the same time, made me feel like an absolutely awful girlfriend. Not because he said that, but because it was something he’d picked up on, just by making assumptions and probably, in part due to some nagging tendencies (and my random mood swings sometimes!) I have been trying to curb. And also? Because maybe I assume that he knows how I feel, and that my actions portray my love for him.

But sometimes…I guess they don’t. I say them here, all the time! I think about how much I love him and how much I am blessed to have him in my life. But do I actually say those words to him that often? No.  And I never thought about it before, I guess I just assumed he knew how I felt, and that I showed him in my actions, touches, and words. And perhaps part of me is getting so used to being loved, cared for, appreciated, and taken care OF by him…and I never want to slide into any sense of complacency. Complacency was the kiss of death in my previous marriage, and is something I vowed never to let happen again.

Though what he said was sort of in passing, and not really meant as anything finger-pointing or anything I did specifically, it actually made me realize that perhaps I can do better at showing my love for M. He doesn’t read this blog, so he doesn’t see all the words I write about him (except when I show him, on occasion). He isn’t in my brain, hearing my daydreams, and when my thoughts meander to him almost all day long. And he doesn’t feel my heart thump when he comes in the door and gives he a big hug and kiss. He probably doesn’t even know how much I want to marry him.

He shows his love to me all the time. Her verbalizes it beyond ‘I love you’ far more often than I do. And it’s time for me to meet him more than halfway on that. Because truth is, he deserves to be shown just as much as I am shown every single day. He deserves to KNOW how much I love him and how much I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

And when I read Dorry’s post on this very topic - learning love – this all came together in my head. I need to do this more often:

I want to be the person who is willing to listen, learn, and love. I’m getting to know him better. I’m listening to him, learning more about his wants and needs, and loving him in an unconditional way. I recognize how much my emotions, my words, and my attitude influence him. I am grateful that I can offer him positivity, hope, and love.

He nurtures and deserves to be nurtured too. This isn’t just a piece of the puzzle, this is the puzzle. Nurturing love is the only way to not only maintain it, but to grow it, and keep it fueled strong and bright. I love M with all of my heart, from the tips of my toes, to the strands of my hair. He deserves to know that and feel that every single day. Just as I feel from him each and every day.

I am listening to what M said and really taking it to heart (whether he meant for me to or not, it was the reminder I needed). For me…love is…M. 

Sep19

Learning to live together: listening

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Learning to live together: listening

**The third in my little series on learning to live with M together. I will write these as the thoughts cross my mind**

For as much time as M and I spent together before we moved in together, what I am amazed at is the things that I learn and understand more about M just by listening.

Listening as he’s on the phone with his boss about a patient, or during a phone call with a nursing home about a page, or even to his parents chatting about the day’s events.

Listening as he mutters something about a work frustration, or stress over the next deliverable for his project.

All things I’ve of course listened to or talked to him about previously, but something about the day in and day out of it that has given me a new understanding and appreciation for M as a person. His character, his habits, his drive.

What I appreciate and learn most about listening and learning about the things that weigh on his mind is figuring out how to apply what I am hearing to getting him to open up about it, or just proactively talking about whatever it is that I can tell is on his mind.

And you know what? It’s really working! I feel as though these conversations are bringing us closer together in a way that I wasn’t expecting as a result of living together. And I appreciate that and value that so incredibly much.

For example, the other night, M was talking about some frustrating behaviors at work, where there aren’t a lot of standard processes for certain tasks as the day nears the end. Such as returning phone calls to patients. Which usually falls to him, but can sometimes be handled by his medical assistants. When he was put into a tough spot with a patient that didn’t get a call back in a timely manner (since he was back to back with patients all day), I suggested maybe he should proactively put a process in place (given he does have some seniority amongst his peers) and to share his idea with his boss (his review is coming up!) and move forward with it. Show the leadership he has in him. Demonstrate authority that he is capable of.  Move beyond being the ‘nice guy’ all the time (which isn’t a bad thing, but when you start getting walked on, it is) mode and move into the leadership role his boss is cultivating for him.

It was such a good conversation between us and it really got us into quite a dialogue on it that was so valuable to the both of us. At the end of the conversation, he gave me a hug and told me how much he valued these conversations and how much he loved that we could connect on this level. And for me? That meant the world, because we are cultivating such a deep relationship and at its core, a friendship too. And, he is opening up…something that was such a struggle for me to accept, because he wouldn’t open up and just felt that he shouldn’t cast his worries on me (which I never saw it that way, but he felt very strongly about).

It’s just amazing at what small tweaks and a mindset change can do to change behaviors, isn’t it? My learning the ability to allow him to open up at his own pace and he actually starting to well, open up and talk through things, rather than let them fester in his brain. I haven’t seen that ‘million miles away” look in his face in a long time. And that makes my heart happy.

Aug14

13.1…I finished.

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13.1…I finished.

And that’s about the only good thing about today’s half marathon.

I envisioned coming into writing this post feeling on top of the world, as if I’d conquered something huge, but instead, I am left feeling mad at myself, (ashamed, even), frustrated and bummed out.

Yes, I ran 13.1 but I did stop. I did walk. I did struggle. I did slightly panic. I didn’t breathe well. I told myself I couldn’t do it. I told M I couldn’t do it. Over and over. I failed.

In my opinion, I failed today. And I know I am being uncessarily hard on myself. I know I am not ‘seeing the forest from the trees’ and I know that the important thing is that I didn’t give up. Determination got me through.

But I feel ripped off. All of the hard work. All of the miles leading up to this. All of the mental and physical determination.

For what? 2:50?

A finish of 2:50? EXACTLY where I finished last year. And I felt almost worse than I did last year. I struggled intensely. It was humid, it was rainy at parts and it was also extremely hilly. (in hindsight, it’s no wonder the race only had 250-ish runners, I’d estimate. It was a tough course) I won’t make excuses though, because I should have forged on and kept running. But these conditions were less than ideal for me (mostly the humidity feeling as though I had a weight on my chest the entire time) and quite simply, I allowed it to take me down.

And that’s why I am mad. And ashamed. And frustrated.

But I did finish. I didn’t give up. Even when my mom drove to certain points on the route with water and her camera, cheering us on (seriously, she was amazing) and could see me struggling around mile 10 and offered to drive me to the finish. As much as I wanted to, I did not. I kept going. I kept run/walking as much as I could.

But today’s half marathon…well, it wasn’t in the cards for me. My sister, brother in law and friend Steph killed it. I am so proud of them and am glad I feel pride and not jealousy because the ‘comparison’ part of me wanted to be jealous.  (as much as I wanted to be jealous, I am beaming with pride that they did so well. Honestly.)

And M? I am convinced I wouldn’t have made it without him. He truly was my rock and I know I would have given up if he weren’t there, pushing me along, keeping me going. To find out that he told my mom at the starting line that he’d take care of me was just about the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. He is my heart.

I think I just need to feel how I feel and start fresh tomorrow. I have some ideas in mind that I will share in the next few days on how to get back to feeling proud, how to prove to myself that I *CAN* do this, and that sometimes…it just happens.

Thank you all for your support, on Twitter, Facebook, email, texts galore, Tina’s beautiful feature, blog shout-outs from Heather and Lindsay and so many more of you. I feel blessed.

“Run when you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must; just never give up. “ 
— Dean Karnazes